Love

2010-06-05T23:12:00.000+08:00

I cant fight this feeling any longer
And yet Im still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship, has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
Coz I feel so secure when were together
You give my life direction
You make everything so clear

And even as I wander
Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever
Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore.

My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
Ive been running round in circles in my mind
And it always seems that Im following you, girl
Cause you take me to the places that alone Id never find

And even as I wander Im keeping you in sight
Youre a candle in the window on a cold, dark winters night
And Im getting closer than I ever thought I might

And I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
Its time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars, forever

Cause I cant fight this feeling anymore
Ive forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crushing through your door
Baby, I cant fight this feeling anymore.

2010-06-01T23:13:00.002+08:00

sigh =\

shit lah, didnt know how i get myself into this terrible mess. seems to come back to the same problem every day. i dont und how come no matter how hard i work at forgetting about it and getting over a really, really stupid shot at truly giving my life and love to someone, i feel terrible.

like i dont know, every time i look i get confused and crushed terrible. like one day i make up my mind, and then another day i hate her, and then when i see her again its not that bad and then its okay..

doesnt help that my favourite JOhn Mayer album's technically a handbook for heartbreak..

its just a (sinfully, really really awesome) reminder of how pathetic i am..i'm in a heartbreak and it isint even real.

2010-05-24T18:59:00.003+08:00

though some circumstances and events make the pursuit of love we desire extreemly miserable and tiring to contend with, its the holding on that counts and shows that there's love in that stubborn heart.

but sometimes the solution is to let it go and continue living life before something you do something rash and stupid, and before your dilemma drives you insane.

Strange that i'm typing and seeing this in a problem-solution based nature. Love is unquantifiable and immesurable. Emotions are.

Well, glad enough i've got my friends with me. close friends. little sis. want to get through the plateau of misery i've been attempting to break through while lying to myself that i'm able to get over the love of my life.

2010-05-20T14:36:00.000+08:00

2010-05-16T16:48:00.001+08:00

GOD. why does this keep happening to me

swear i'll work hard and then all this crap comes. i talk and i think the issues i face are resolved but NO. I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT I CANT THINK STRAIGHT yeah and then when i think its over i screw over work and other stuff family what not.

i just need a holiday, a break away from everything. new york. if life had a reset button or i had a choice to rewind a few days back and change everything i would. CAN'T GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD AND IT SUCKS TRYING TO DEAL SO HARD WITH IT. SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS.

2010-05-14T03:27:00.002+08:00

even though its just been a week i feel my life's been changed. so much. i feel broken down again. not negatively..but somewhat. peacefully. positively..everything's been really simplified and changed.

This is a life changing moment i'll never forget. kill me, bring me down for saying this. but i cant deny it. my heart is just overflowing with it, my actions, my words just unconciously deviate to you.

I'm at the edge of my desire. like i'm looking through the looking glass and i see the world through it. the dazzle through your eyes. possible futures. Your world and my world together.

This is so beyond a crush or a role model. you are my world.

i'm terrified that even when my mind tells me not to, i'm willing to sacrifice so much for you. even entrust my deepest, most precious posessions to you. Terrified that you dont even have to say a word..just being around you, i want to be like you and with you.

I dont even need to tell you, or look you in the eye, or just ask if there's a feeling. I'm just so amazed, devoted to your beauty in such a..strange way that even mystifies myself. I'm happy just be be around you. just to see you or even talk to you..even if i dont show emotion. even if you love being with other friends more than me. even just knowing you exist, you're there. online. I'm just happy. to be the man on the side.

I dont even feel impatient..I dont even wish you'd make up your mind about me. About who i am. i'm just happy to be someone in your life. no matter how small.

I just wish, so much that i could be someone more to you. I could do more for you..even if it means just the little things.

I'm going to be honest. I'm scared. scared i'll lose you even though we're just ..friends. scared that we'll drift apart over the years. scared if i tell you i love you enough you'll push me away.

I'm not going to lie. to you, or myself, or anyone else. i feel i'm going through heartbreak warfare and a mid-life crisis, even though i'm just a 19 year old kid.

my heart skipped a beat..and i defied my own logic by taking a chance with you. I wish i had the courage to tell you face to face. and i want to. maybe someday. sometime soon.

even though i cant express myself proper.

but..somehow. something tells me, maybe i dont care. i'm letting my heart take over. call me insensitive. or just plain stupid. but even if it means being cut down, or stomped down by others. labled for being lovesick, idiotic, immature.

i swear to God, i'll be there for you no matter what happens. even if it means sacrificing everything i ever dreamed of, Nothing's gonna stop me from caring about you.

2010-05-13T10:58:00.003+08:00

i'm grappling with the possibility that i've made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. ever. i feel really, really stupid. lonely. dont know what to feel or think.

but i know i miss you and i think about you every day. almost ever hour. i know you don't think about me that much but i'm worried about you. i think if you're alright, whether you're tired. and i keep wishing i could be there to hold you when you're cold.

i dont know why. it scares me to think that i care for you enough to throw my life away.

2010-05-09T02:41:00.000+08:00

I've been alone with you inside my mind
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times
I sometimes see you pass outside my door
Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes
I can see it in your smile
You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide
'Cause you know just what to say
And you know just what to do
And I want to tell you so much, I love you

I long to see the sunlight in your hair
And tell you time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow
Hello, I've just got to let you know

'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely, or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying, I love you

Hello, is it me you're looking for?
'Cause I wonder where you are
And I wonder what you do
Are you somewhere feeling lonely or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart
For I haven't got a clue
But let me start by saying ... I love you

2010-04-22T00:04:00.001+08:00

EMBRACE YOUR INNER ROCKSTAR BABEH! <3

2010-04-20T14:48:00.002+08:00

Mood: Happy dappy lappy nappy gappy sappy jappy. anything that rhymes with -y.
Location: OFFICE
Listening to: Voodoo By Adam Lambert

HELLO EVERYONE
work is awesome work is good, although in this few 4 weeks i've fallen sick twice it is still awesome. been doing stuff like designing webs..experimenting with design, sending out invites, sorting out databases and all forms of work big and small. Its been interesting went to see some NUS students present some of their architecture projects (:

Interesting insight into the mind of an architect..its all about design, then again its all about the practicalty and philosophy of space. many of the stuff we see today (ie, central) seem so awesome on the outside but on the inside seem very cramped and weird. but ah well! its hard. For me i'd have trouble balancing design and practicality too..and its in a totally new dimension so yea. but still! inspried and interested. maybe another potential future career path? :P

being a singer-songwriter-philatrophist-businessman still sounds good thou.

annnnnnyway. Mayb i'll post some designs up here another time to see..nothing's really finalized yet. but check out GK-Hi's facebook and twit for me yea! facebook.com/gkhope twitter.com/gkhope. fwd to your friends!

2010-04-16T08:34:00.001+08:00

Will You Be There
By Michael Jackson

Hold Me
Like The River Jordan
And I Will Then Say To Thee
You Are My Friend

Carry Me
Like You Are My Brother
Love Me Like A Mother
Would You Be There?

Mary
Tell Me Will You Hold Me
When Wrong, Will You Scold Me
When Lost Will You Find Me?

But They Told Me
A Man Should Be Faithful
And Walk When Not Able
And Fight Till The End
But I'm Only Human

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me
Seems That The World's
Got A Role For Me
I'm So Confused
Will You Show To Me
You'll Be There For Me
And Care Enough To Bear Me

(Hold Me) show me
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
told me
(Softly Then Boldly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Lead Me)
hold me
(Love Me And Feed Me)
yea yeah
(Kiss Me And Free Me)
yeah
(I Will Feel Blessed)
I'm Only Human

(Carry)
Carry
(Carry Me Boldly)
Carry yeah
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
yeah
(Carry Me There)
I'm Only Human

(Save Me)
save me
(Heal Me And Bathe Me)
lift me up, lift me up
(Softly You Say To Me)
(I Will Be There)
I Will Be There

(Lift Me)
i'm gonna care
(Lift Me Up Slowly)
(Carry Me Boldly)
yeah
(Show Me You Care)
Show Me You Care

(Hold Me)
whoooo
(Lay Your Head Lowly)
i get lonely some times
(Softly Then Boldly)
i get lonely
(Carry Me There)
yeah yeah carry me there
yeah yeah yeah

[Spoken]
In Our Darkest Hour
In My Deepest Despair
Will You Still Care?
Will You Be There?
In My Trials
And My Tripulations
Through Our Doubts
And Frustrations
In My Violence
In My Turbulence
Through My Fear
And My Confessions
In My Anguish And My Pain
Through My Joy And My Sorrow
In The Promise Of Another Tomorrow
I'll Never Let You Part
For You're Always In My Heart.

2010-04-13T23:35:00.001+08:00

one day i will stand in this picture for you all to see.i love new york alrealdy.

2010-04-05T23:11:00.003+08:00

post due a few days ago. but ah well.

Mood: sniffy
Location: Home, room
Listening to: Everybody learns from disaster acoustic by Dashboard Confessional

Being sick realllllly sucks ):

Did some work in the office, got sent home lovingly in the afternoon cuz my nose went crazzzzzy..i wanna get well soon, i can't even play guitar or sing properly without having to wipe my nose with a tissue or some absorbent material for a MINUTE):

gah.

anyway..i had a great day yesterday! Woke up at about eight, hung around at home till about 1. accompanied my mum and my sister to thread their eyebrows in little india, and i went to this really cool thing called a free flea market and i picked up some stuff (: books for myself, friends, and i found this really pretty dress and cup. gave it to bernice. hope she likes it.. Unloaded some stuff too!

anw, work has been good :) fun interesting, interaction. working alot on the website cant wait to get it up. picture post next comingsoooon (: hang on guys.

2010-04-04T11:48:00.002+08:00

Mood: Morning-mood
Location: My Room
Listening to:Cover of man in the mirror by Hugh o'neill

Who is the man in the mirror?

We make mistakes and stumble every day,

We cry and stumble and be negative

But it's THE man in the mirror who has to ultimately, make that change.

That man in the mirror has the power to reach out and touch you, change and make a difference

The man in the mirror has the strength to carry you on for the rest of the life

Sometimes we have to realise that the man in the mirror, our saviour is not friends nor family

Not lovers or aquaintances or boyfriends and girlfriends

The man in the mirror is us and we've got our life in our hands

and its our choice to make that change.

2010-04-03T00:39:00.001+08:00

Mood:
Location:
Listening to:
I cant bother to fill anything up I THINK IM IN LOVE WITH MEGAN JOY!

2010-04-02T11:10:00.003+08:00

Mood: relatively unhappy because THEY KICKED DIDI OUT OF AMERICAN IDOL! WHAT GIVES! ):< Location: in my room
Listening to: Megan Joy's Ryder On the Storm

OHNOTHEYDIDNT!):

I can't believe they voted off didi benami! Its just injustice..she's talented, beautiful, makes amazing stuff on her guitar, has a unique voice, i'd almost compare her to a extremely shy female version of John Mayer! i mean just look at her sing terrified. she was reallly really good..such a waste to see such a talented girl go ): Well..now thats its over i really hope and pray she'll become successful by herself! shes really got the talent and i'd love to see an original acoustic album come out. I hope she's feeling okay, she cries ALOT!

She reminds me alot of Megan Joy! Megan..she happens to be similar to didi in both circumstance and person (well, that is, if you discount Megan's insane wacky funny attitude!) . Unique voice, interesting disposition, cute looks..the only thing is that after she left idol, her single releases have been AMAZING. shes still not signed but she sounds great and i think once her album comes out she's gonna be really successful(: ..and i hope didi gets an opportunity like that!

anyway, im gonna do some cleaning around the house and i'm heading off with fam for lunch (: i know i havent been posting about work yet but stay frosty guys! its coming soooooooon (:

xoxo, gossip girl

(i just had to say that. been watching gossip girl all day all night! :P)

2010-03-29T00:28:00.002+08:00

Mood:Tired but really contented
Location:home bed
Listening to:the sounds of the night creatures

My friends are awesome (:

2010-03-27T13:26:00.003+08:00

Mood: average. slightly on edge
Location: mezzanine floor, home
Listening to: Sounds of the trees rustling and a God-damn drill next door

Whoa man..

Last night was tiring YET fulfilling!

Chengxi, Joey, Marcus and Grace came over to my place to chillout and relax after work. I wanted to go bowling but we decided to settle for bowling on the wii instead :P Never can beat the real thing..but hell, i gotta say its really awesome ESPECIALLY THE ENDING SONG.

After a few rounds we cooked our dinner (Spaghetti Bolognese with Minced Chicken, Ham, Bacon, and mushrooms). It was pretty good other than us accidentally leaving it on high heat..the ingredients at the bottom of the pot got burned pretty bad. But it was still alright..

Headed upstairs after, played a few games of Mahjong (Shit lah! chengxi keeps on winning at the VERY LAST MINUTE i'm waiting for my pong pong hu to complete itself) and Dota (i'm mastering the dragon knight :D) till about eleven plus. After that i cleaned up the place, mopped the whole house, and fixed a computer till about 4 and went off to bed! Woke up this morning and i went straight to beefing up the com i fixed with software. Planning to buy some ram in the future, it seems kinda slow..192MB only D:

Anyway..i realized over these few weeks that cleaning up the house is really really fun! I never imagined me doing all the laundry, cleaning or cooking but i'm really enjoying myself. I find it, in a way, a breakout from stress; therapeutic in a way yet a active source of learning how to be independent. If this is what it means to be a house husband i actually don't mind a bit :P

Okay! that's the end of my post today. I'm gonna keep cleaning, (keep keep cleaning alright!) and pack up the place. Friends might be coming over today so might be planning to cook. Gonna plan some changes to the blog too, there seems to be some issues with code and i find the blog text really hard to read sometimes. maybe it's the color ):

till next time (:

2010-03-27T04:30:00.003+08:00

Mood: Relatively Beat
Location: Home, My room
Listening to: U2's Beautiful day

Hey all. i feel like this kitty mentally and physically ): but new starrrrrt!

Been a while since i blogged, i'm really aiming to keep this up as a personal diary, design space, and a platform to connect to great people and my close friends (: As a change i think i'm going to make this a more vibrant, sensible blog to read rather than just a place to slap my unprocessed thoughts down (That's what twitter is for (:). It's going to be a positive posting machine and its gonnnnaa be great! You may see some color changes..dont be alarmed! Billy is not turning gay!

Its such a relief that exams and the last semester is over! And boy-oh-boy..its been one HELL of a HOLIDAY! :D

The main highlight this season?

I''m not talking about your TV series friends (which is, by the way one of the most awesome sitcoms i think aired on TV EVER). I'm talking about mah friends from school!

Chansee, Marcus, Zhiqiang, Shaun, Bernice, Amanda, Juowi, Sheena
Of these awesome people, I think i meet 5+ of them at least three times a week!

I've never hung out with anyone in school with such fervor and intensity as i did during these holidays; we badmintoned, went over to each other's houses, partied, dota-ed, and so much more! its been really really REALLY awesome! It's so interesting to learn something new about someone you thought you figured inside out already. Example? Some great friends of mine (i realised recently, over a few badminton games) have a really interesting, sick, sexual personality :P You know who you are! For those who don't..keep guessing!

Anyway, on a more serious note.. spending so much time with my friends has made me see another side to everyone and appreciate the mere fact that we are friends! Its also given me an opportunity to get close and feel the personality, or vibes if you will, that they emanate. Just hanging around some them makes me really happy and i daresay some people, just by being there influence me to be a better me (:

What better person i should cite as an example of change and influence than Bernice Lim! She's a one-of-a-kind girl with a hyperactive, incredibly insanely fun personality, with a reallly great energy and spirit. Even my mum thinks she's got really awesome power! :P The way she just is, inspires me to be happier, talk to other easier, take life simpler, enjoy life as it is.

It's not just the positve fun that i find cool..I like the fact that these people have really amazing core values! The great realization that i get every end of a great hangout day, is that behind all the fun and laughter we look out for each other. We're not some simple bunch of teenagers coming together for a game of DOTA, we're real tough mates, brothers and sisters running it out for each other when we're down and out. When we got issues, we talk about it heart to heart. I'm honored to have found people i can share my deepest concerns with and hear out theirs in this amazing group of friends. (:

If you're reading this Bernice and friends, i really wanna give a great big thank you for really helping me to see things in another way. You don't know it, but you've played a really big role in my life so far. Keep being who you are, because you guys are really the light of my life.

Anyway, holidays are ending soon (sadly ): and work is starting really really really really soon! I'm heading over to work in Gawad Kalinga Hope Initiative (if you guys don't know, Its this Phillippines-based, international organization that seeks the end of poverty through two ways: Transforming environments (improving living conditions through building new homes) and Reinvirogating communities (through teaching values of perseverance, community, unconditional love), Starting around next week monday.

I'm gonna be working with Grace and Paolo, and this new supervisor called Rina. She seems alright! same motherly personality as Ailin. Working hours are from 10-4 (To that, I say Halle-freaking-lujah!) and the pay's quite decent! The office i'm working at is in Kay Siang Road (it seems to be in the middle of nowhere. In between tanglin and redhill =\). It's quite small, but i think it's really really cosy and nice (: I hope it isin't cold in the long-term though..sometimes too much aircon can really turn me off and out.

Well, work wise, Everything seems pretty prepped and ready! I can't wait to jump into work. There's alot of things to do, like planning the coming GK summit in Singapore, figuring out my Final Year Project (I'm planning to venture into something to do with Marketing and PR since the summits gonna be one big blast..wish me luck guys!), going for meetings, working things out with volunteers as well as managing other duties. Despite the workload, im really looking forward to meeting the challenges and conquering them bit by bit! (:

Okay..i think i've said what i wanted to say tonight (or morning? lol!). Its getting late and i should get to sleep D: 530 alrealdy! I'll post more about my week tomorrow. Hang on guuuuuys! :)

2010-03-26T03:04:00.002+08:00

Finally!
had some inspiration to do this partly due to my new stars photo frame project you can see on the side (:

Inspired by the great musicians i listen to. If only i had space to fit in kris/adam, that would be great. will consider doing that later..

Will blog a fresh post when the time's right. hang on everyboday! (:

2010-01-25T15:17:00.002+08:00

Mood: the feeling you have in the afternoon where nothing much goes through your brain
Location: somewhere in block 56, ngee ann
Listening to: background noise of class

Life is STILL a blur, need to get things right. feels aimless, strange, directionless, despite having a strong moral standing/compass/ideas/opinions

got that inspiration to work hard but not thing thing where you get passion going and you start doing new habits.

Feel like going to the city, holiday, a break again - coffee and music is temporary, the problem lies in something else. must be self reflection and issues, i dont remember or reflect on the things that have happened enough

planning to do a better revamp of the blog recently. its outliving its purpose, becoming a white elephant. need to restart. a place to understand and unload the thoughts in my head.

-more colorful background

-better interaction, readers, viewers

-change of music taste

-more objective frequent posts

2010-01-11T20:02:00.002+08:00

Mood: Reflective
Location: Home
Listening to: Dialogue of "Heroes", TV series

I write this to read..might not make sense to you, if you're reading through, but i hope to at least interest what's left of my readers in the future. I promise i'll update when i get this over.

decided to blog today, or rather, write and reflect. had a great..culmination of events these few weeks, so to speak. Everything is a blur..social networking, interaction, thoughts, trust, interests..not to mention work and other hassles in the way. Just thoughts, unsorted thoughts everywhere. Are human beings so easy to understand like clocks and thier components, or are they simply too complex to comprehend?

the past few weeks were one of the worst i've experienced (i wont go into detail) but the strange, scary thing is that i've been able to accept it, take it positive and calm without much upsetness or aggressive behaviour. Scary because i feel it's not who i really want to become. It's like standing on the fence, without opinion, or ideas, with the constant fear that somebody's gonna shoot you down for your opinions or if you make the wrong mistake in actions or language.

It's this ever-impending fear, that when you approach someone, you make new friends, you speak about school or topics of interest - that things will go wrong and something bad will happen. Something that will ruin lives, irreversible damage to both parties.

I need to get over this. i want to; there's people i'd like to meet, have coffee with, discuss and debate topics of interest - but its just fear and expectations that get in the way

need to fix that out..

2009-11-11T20:51:00.003+08:00

hey,

Been a long while since i've blogged. feel great that life as of now seems to be getting back on track and progressing well. Still got kinks and paradoxes to solve and to think about. I'm really going to blast out my thoughts here- i warn you readers that it might get a little harsh.

On love, relationships

I know people who really want to get married and have a girlfriend, wife or spouse by 21. I don't disagree with their aspirations and dreams..for me, i think love is just. temporary. I dont know how to describe it. I remember in bible college, a really great guy told me once that human love is born fickle. tainted by sin, superficial. God's love is so intense and burning, He's willing to put you thru trials and suffering to get you better..more of the fickle stuff actually is more applicable in context.

I'm single for a long time, yet i've got a really stubborn, jaded view about relationships. I am skeptical about bonding in matrimony..love can last, but can human love last on? People tell me that it does, 50 years on and they still see people holding hands and stuff. I argue that it's superficial and just habitual..just a really long one off thing.

Maybe its just the really down expriences ive gone thru that make me such a skeptic. But i just think love is beyond holding hands, getting a girlfriend, happiness. Yes, happiness is important..but it starts from responsibility in a commitment. We should..we must operate as a unit. A relationship between a man and a woman must be dedicated..a mutual support to each other. Arguments happen yes, but those are simply incidences i believe God put in to strengthen the bond.

In conclusion..why do people, youths etc. just look at the superficial? maybe make fun of each other's crushes is fun, but pushing it? living in a school environment whose student leaders 'advocate' gossip? call me short tempered and a freak with a skewed perspective, but seriously..i'm getting a slight frown with all this stuff circling around my environment, my how you call..extended personal space.

I dont know, maybe i just need to think more about love, and by extension, emotions. I don't feel the 'fun' that the general population i interact with feel and embrace, the love and the hype. I see myself more engrossed in design, art music games, guitar, work...signs of becoming anti-social? lol.

scary, but i'd rather think i'm going through another phase.

Well, that's enough for today. need to finish off some designs and stuff. check back for more updates. Ignore my previous post. it was made in absolute ignorance and uncare for the views of my parents

2009-10-25T22:11:00.001+08:00

feel like its been a very very long and tiring day.

had a few good bad weeks..been quite unhappy, with my mum's approaches.

need to think..

2009-10-16T13:00:00.001+08:00

Who says - John Mayer

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me and my house alone
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Re-write my history
Who says I can’t be free?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Baton Rouge
I don’t remember you looking any better
But then again I don’t remember you

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Call up a girl that I used to know
Fake love for an hour or so
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t take time?
Meet all the girls on the county line
Then wait on fate to send a sign
Who says I can’t take time?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long night in Austin too
I don’t remember you looking any better
But then again I don’t remember you

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Plan a trip to Japan alone
Doesn’t matter if I even go
Who says I can’t get stoned?

It’s been a long night in New York City
It’s been a long time since 22
I don’t remember you looking any better
But then again I don’t remember you

2009-10-12T16:53:00.004+08:00

Thinky.

Afternoon,

Had a decent past few days, its my first time i've gone to the Gym four days straight! tired as a sloth but still okay.

Well, i'm in progress of painting my room and getting things done out nicely, so it sort of stinks like hell in here.. in conjunction my nose is killing me. hope to get my whole room done by the time school starts.

Getting prepped physically and psychologically for school..physically getting back in shape, and psychologically trying to anticipate people and think of ways to calm/react/meet/greet/think with them.

Had some thoughts over the past few days..

I think generally, i've becoming more and more harsh towards people..why because i feel i'm getting easily irritaited; beacuse i don't want to speak in a complicated way, i feel that i should speak with others plainly, to the point, and without the so called 'varnish' of society..

I feel people are really getting up my nerves even in the simplest of things (such as, asking me for a favour). I get all analytical and psychological..and waste alot of time.

I don't think thinking in that way is wrong, its just the act of getting pissed at people. Sometimes i can't comprehend why people just wanna..grab attention, or be socially fit in. or in conjunction with the previous post, not give a solid shit about studying.

I guess people mature at different times, but its bugging me. alot. since young.

I think i need to start thinking better..tolerate people more. Get past the pre-concieved nature of others and straight into character and substance. Have a decent conversation, and maintain solid ways of trust.

2009-10-11T05:54:00.003+08:00

Morning everyone,

These past few days have been pretty okay!

continued packing, reading, thinking. I'm reading Case for the Creator and i'm still on Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential. Bible class has been really draggy, its hard to absorb alot of things now its really intense, but i'm good. trying to get everything done.

Picked a few songs for worship class- it's going to be either Cry Holy by Sonic Flood or Thank You by Christian City Church.

Anyway, the highlight of this season..I watched (500) days of summer and I REALLY LOVE IT!

hey, it may seem like a chick flick with a cheesy line (this is not a love story, this is a story about love) BUT, i love everything, and i mean everything.

(500) Days of summer, Starring Zooey Deschanel & Joseph Gordon-Levitt

I love the actors..the really smart-ass, sharp cool Joseph Gordon-Levitt and the really adorable big-eyes Zooey Deschanel! Their roles in the story, and the plot itself is really really interesting. Takes a cool turn towards the best for both in the later part of the story- ain't gonna say no more! you guys who havent watched it should, its a really good show.

Loved the Music! i was pleasantly suprised and glad to hear familar tunes like Mushaboom by Fiest, and the songs by Regina Spektor. Other songs i've not heard, but i loved instantly..because of the placing, editing and use in the the movie. my favourites are Sweet disposition by The Temper Trap, and Vagabond by wolfmother.

The cinematography, concept and colours were one of the best i've seen in a very long time. Well, i might even say it rivals Angels and Demons this season! seriously, one of the best movies i've seen in a long time.

And it's true to it's catch-line or phrase, 'This is not a love story. This is a story about love'

Anyway, i just had dinner and a decent day with family. We went to Tony Roma's..three kinds of ribs, three kinds of side dishes. and a mojito to knock me off my seat.

Okay, i think it's time to take a rest..heading to the gym tomorrow!

2009-10-07T15:23:00.002+08:00

Mood: Relaxed
Location: Home
Listening to: Who Says - John Mayer

John Mayer's "Who Says" Single cover

Been on the run these few days at reorganization..so i haven't been blogging!

I believe these past few months (holiday, actually) have been a period of finding myself again. I've begun to take in alot of stress from school, and people (mostly people in general), and i've realised i've been taking out stress in the wrong ways; in the form of arguments, shouting, exessive gaming, eating, what not. I've gotten disillusioned with people and systems.

Ie, an incessant issue in my head is the problem with school.
Ngee Ann Polytechnic, School of Humanities, Business and Social Entreprise.

Call me absurd or misguided, but i think being in the pioneer batch? it's both exciting and irritating. Exciting because you know you're the pilot episode of an amazing series and season to come (in the social world, that is.) Irritating becuase i feel that we're not being worked on very well, and because of the people i'm with.

I'm just not in place with a bunch of fellas who'd really like to be elsewhere. I've asked and interviewed many peers on my level, and most of them would like to be somewhere else, doing something else entirely. Most have no choice but to come here.

Also? i just don't like how we are taught. What do i learn at the end of the day? I learnt so far about social enteprises and their concepts. I learnt about economics, its workings, theories, financial management, IT, Human resource, Statistics, Accouting and so on and forth.

But i haven't learnt anything about enteprise. Why start one? what's good about it. how to start it. What makes it tick, and what exactly do we have to do in order to make one? That's what i expect to learn, that what i wanted to see in this course come about.

Hell, i was pissed when i got into Business and Social Enteprise. I was totally on for mass comm and Film + Media, but i convinced myself that God put me in social enteprise for a reason, and i realised that hey! it isn't so bad after all.

But once realisng that things are okay, i get fed up with the system..being very open and uninstructive. My stand is: although Poly is a place for learning, especially student-led and open, I think lecturers or our mentors, should allow themselves to give some strong instruction, stir up some passion in the students for the things that they do. and definetly, improve the curriculum and system to be more direct and straightforward, rather than containing mostly theory and concepts.

and this is just one issue i face out of many. Religion, human nature- maybe you'll see me post more in the future. now, Back to the topic on hand-

I feel that well, i'm spending these few months or days sorting these issues out and finding myself again. I've lost alot of personality and idealism in me when the stress kicked in, and i'm inspired to find it back.

anyway, i've done some packing this week, gone to the gym, modified my diet to accomodate healthier foods.

Unhappy with IS choice of events managments, i realised that i should have taken something more substatial.

Trying to lost more weight and gain more fitness/muscle/the man factor. without steroids. Hear that bryan? :P

I'm planning to hang out with friends, clear out my room, explore more music and wait for John Mayer's new album to come out! can't wait to get it done and over with.

2009-09-30T13:07:00.002+08:00

Mood: Relaxed - Tired
Location: Home
Listening to: A Whisper & A Clamour by Anberlin

Afternoon everyone,

Had quite a decent day yesterday! Watched a few series and movies in the morning, headed to the gym after that. Did some stamina and upper body strength training, it's been good so far.

Trying hard to push myself towards getting my first pull-up done, and to go swimming again. Not to forget curbing those hunger pangs after a fantastic workout..Either that or getting protien shakes. :P

Anyway, the highlight of the day was worship class at believer music! (oh yeah, if you guys didn't know, I started attending advanced worship guitar at believer music. It's a music school dedicated to helping raise worship team members & CG musicians. Made up of experienced Christian Teachers from all over Singapore. My teacher's this guy called alvin..share a same approach to worship as him as he's from City Harvest Church. Quite cool!)

The past few weeks of worship were interesting, learning new chord formations and about the higher positions (chord voicings?) in acoustic guitar, and a little bit about music theory. What's pretty cool is that they do their theory in roman numerals and keys..They tie the chords in a key to a roman numeral formula, which lists out all possible chords and combinations to it.

Anyway, my class & I learnt "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin. It was a pretty challenging song, especially the transfers from high to low voicings, switches of strumming patterns and keeping the emphasises and pace right. But it was really good! I had a really great time playing and learning though it was slightly above my pace of learning.

My Favourite Band Picture-Hillsong in Africa. Love the colours.

I thought of something pretty cool after yesterday's class though - wouldn't it be cool to combine worship and charity? think about it. I think it would be cool to do something like what Hillsong does with the I Heart Revolution! It's combining the things which i really love to do and engage in: Volunteerism, Philantrophy, Events, Business and Music. I would hope to one day achieve something like Hillsong. Even if it would only achieve it's maximum at a local level, i would be really happy and fufilled.

Kinda driven and inspired after that class! Well, that's it for yesterday. Preparing to head for bible class, gonna sort out some finances with mum after this.

well on the way to personal progress and development!

2009-09-29T03:12:00.003+08:00

Mood: Average
Location: Home
Listening to: Blog playlist, right now at inevitable by anberlin

http://www.gk1world.com/

Hey guys, Just heard the phil, manilla got hit by typhoon ketsana..there's a movement going around calling for immediate short-term assistance to the worst of the hit. Right now it's very, very very flooded there so they need stuff like food, water, mats, sleeping bags, etc.

For more info, you guys can visit the Gawad-Kalinga Website below. Right now, they're undertaking a great position as a rally point for the devestated. More details about giving on the website.

Most important thing to do is to pray for the people there, both the stricken locals and aid workers. These people really need immediate help, from what i've heard the devestation is really bad and widespread.

Let's pray for the operations to run smoothly and well, the area to recover, flood to subside, and for more aid to come quickly as soon as possible. Faith is more powerful than any blanket, clothes, food or assistance we can provide..God can provide much more.

James 2:18 (New International Version)

¹⁸But someone will say, "You have faith; I have deeds."
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

2009-09-28T14:23:00.002+08:00

Mood: relaxed-disatisfied
Location: home
Listening to: Blog Playlist- currently at Gravity (Album) by John Mayer

Hi,

Decided to resucitate my blog, i feel that posting is interesting, important way to keep in touch with people and myself. Yes, with great emphasis on self. Here's why.

The past few months have been a progressive mess, i felt myself sinking deeper into depression and self-destruction in the beginning of the semester. With the advent of monstrosities like financial management and economics..i started crashing and burning. I started losing touch with alot of people everywhere, i left several social groups and spent alot of time isolated; Playing games, watching shows, eating, sleeping, distracting myself with mafia wars.

The most ridiculous, and idiotic downfall i made was to lose touch with myself. Yes, i spent more time alone but i spent it satisfying my cravings instead of goals and desires. Comparing last year to this, i think i've changed alot in personality and ideals. not to mention weight, god damnit.

So yup, this is part of a re-initiative to get myself back on track again. Trying to get communicative again, get the design genes up and running again, trying to practice some html, trying to appreciate some good music, and so on and forth. Getting myself back on track to be a cleaner, fitter, more open and driven person.

Purpose aside,
I decided to stick with this skin and really improve on the design and flow. As you guys can see,

-Size of boxes have changed
-John Mayer has morphed into Dr. Gregory House
-New music box by house's ear, with new tunes
-Updated text
-New twitter widget

What you can expect coming up soon?
I'm considering doing alot of refinement in terms of colour and smoothness, intend to do a background on the plainer left side. and clean up the code..god! there are a thousand and one unnececary lines in template view..gonna sort that out.

Let the reorganization begin!

Okay, now thats out of the way.

Holidays have been quite decent so far. A relaxing long holiday, with good time spent with family, especially since my brother's back. Here's how my week usually goes-

Monday, thursday, friday- Wake up late, slack around, play games. Go out in the late afternoon,

Tuesday- Wake up late again, Watch House, Guitar Lesson, Prayer time, Paint

Wednesday- Same routine, memorize verses, go for bible class

Weekends- out with family

Tried to fill in for a few jobs, but it didn't really happen. However i decided to lend a hand to Gawad Kalinga! Well, it's been quite steady but we've been doing some stuff for Singapore and the Phillippines. Planning events and getting things down from paper to sketchy reality. It's been a good experience working with people from the other side. Although i don't get paid, its a really satisfying and fufilling experience. Quite happy and satisfied!

ohbtw, if you guys are free, check out their new website here. it's pretty cool.
http://www.gk1world.com/

Also been watching a few movies like district 9 and bruno. District 9 was way cool and interesting albiet being gory and slightly scary. Past the high def sci fi, the plot and ideas portrayed were interesting and cool to look at, especially if you know about the real underlying issues in present day johannesburg. (you can google for discrimination there, there's pretty interesting articles that come up.)

Burno was disgusting. just gay and gay. did i mention gay? i think i did.

But besides the scene where bruno does acrobratics with his...brotziet, and the thankfully censored 'fun' scenes, it highlights pretty much alot of interesting issues here and there. Go watch! its worth the grimacing. and its pretty funny too!

Speaking of watching shows..i caught F1 Yesterday on TV, it was a pretty average match but it was exciting to watch! check out these highlights man..quite cool!

That about sums up the major highlights of the holidays!
okay, that's it for today, i'm hoping to practice more guitar tonight and get more changes done to the blog. see you guys tomorrow!

2009-06-26T08:31:00.002+08:00

(August 29, 1958 – June 25, 2009)
Rest in Peace, Michael Jackson.

Many people ask, who will he be remembered as? Troubled, Child-Molester freak with wavy morals? Or the King of Pop who changed music & dance forever?

I say, King of Pop.

He's been one hell of a musical figure in my life, and i just want to honour him here.

He may have passed away yesterday, but his figure and legend will reign over, and continue to change the music scene in the long years to come.

Rest in peace, King of pop.

2009-06-19T00:52:00.001+08:00

1 Corinthians 13

Love

¹If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ²If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. ³If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

2009-06-11T12:34:00.002+08:00

Mood: morning-glowish
Location: home
Listening to: Beautiful Day, U2.

Thoughts: was reading an article in NP times about evangelism-

People were complaning lots about Youth for Christ activities in reaching out to people and conducting surveys, as a result they were not allowed under the study block and sent to certian unpopulated areas to conduct their work. Some people write back and say that society's old enough for religious tolerance and what not..

My stand? Coexist..Seriously! not being all lee kuan yew here, but we gotta tolerate each other man. I know that sometimes the way certian people conduct evangelism may seem threatening or soemtimes you may detect ulterior motives in their message..but honestly people are out there preaching and telling about the gospel for the good of everyone.

We just gotta tolerate them. Youth For Christ is out there to save and develop young lives..

-warning major insensitiveness up ahead-

people, they do think that Christians we're all about money and richness and power. we're all about you there! convert or you go to hell. But I think that sometimes those are expressions of the people who convey the message, and not the religion itself.

In short..i think:

Christians: give your message, share with them, be their brothers and sisters. but don't push it to far..if people don't want to hear the truth, pray for them in their heart and move on. there are countless brothers and sisters out there who need our help. Don't shove apples down their mouth if they are hungry and don't like it.

Other people: religious tolerance man. I started out hating christians and being intolerant, it drove me into a life of hatred. Now ive seen the other side, i know what it's like. the best way to go by, is just to coexist. Don't hate your brother and sister for offering something to you very ferverntly.

you can critisize me for being impure or just plain out of context, or a really strayed-away Chrisitan, or a goody two shoes feller, but it's plain simple - i believe in coexistence.

Buddha, mohammed, moses, the great teachers of our time.

Jesus, Allah, Yaweh, God, the Great Powers making this work work.

We are their children, let's not fight but move towards living together in the limited time we have.

That's my stand.

------------------

Exams are over! HRM was fine, though there were some questions that i coudlnt really answer straight on. oh well, must do better next time!

Went to Clementi with Bernice, Amanda, Ronny, Joshua, Grace, Bryan, Marcus, Sheena, Sheryl, Sinyee, Matthew and Joey to eat..Later some of us went to west coast RC to play lan..and damn, it was a four hour straight marathon of L4D.

Yup you read it, Left 4 Dead 4 4 hours. hahahhaahahaa.

After a tiring but fun session, we headed over next door to play pool. i was so tired aft that i went home..went on the com, and fell asleep about 1 hr later.

totally happy exams are over man, i needed the break..work's like totally really damn tough!

Anw, Trust in God, Lean not on your own understanding. Gotta remember that.

Unless the Lord Builds the House, the workers labour in vain. God in Centre!

2009-06-10T08:39:00.002+08:00

good morning,

had a fun time yesterday with ronny, josh, sheryl, sinyee, grace, mama-san, mooman, bernice, joey! went to pizza hut for lunch, then chionged to mac's to study..sheena's bro is totally imba by the way, level 167 in maple story?! and like, i gave up two years ago at level 25. i feel so inferior man..

but yeah, covered a few chapters of human resource, hope it goes well today.

well, i'm still missing and thinking of her. feel really sian for not getting her contacts or anything, cause i'm prolly not gonna see her ever agn.. ):

well! at least i know she stays around school.. : ) have high hopes.

looking forward to l4d..cheers!

2009-06-08T20:51:00.003+08:00

hey,

havent been posting much, in the middle of an exam period.

Stress, losing the will to study. the need and temptation to just let loose artistically..

hey, but i met someone a few days ago at camp who really just blew my mind.

i just wanna pay tribute to that someone. at first sight she looks like an average person, normal life. but her free, fun attitude just inspired me to be all i can be and to strive for what i can..and believe that someone somewhere loves me alot. (:

I learnt from you, that even a smile or cheer can just complete someone's day, month, year, life.

thank God for you girl. you may not realise it, but you're THE blessing in my life.

you know who you are, you are awesome baby. wish i'd known you more, wish i'll see you again (:

2009-06-01T22:05:00.002+08:00

Thoughts:

came across this quote from angels & demons (if you guys havent watched the movie, go watch it. mindblowing. if you guys watched alr but havent read the book, go read it. it's equally as incredible.)

"Science and Religion are not at odds. Science is simply too young to understand."

2009-05-31T00:26:00.002+08:00

Just penning down some of my thoughts here-

It's my birthday, i'm 18. I've dreamt of this moment since young and now it seems so surreal. i'm where i never, ever imagined to be ten years ago. It's a totally different, powerful feeling..that all things are being moved, being positioned by a Higher Power.

It's this same sense of dispassion i feel when i get results for major life changing events..like how i got o's, i know God's hand is moving in my life towards a great future.

like hey..i slipped..i might not be as calm, as spiritually centered as i used to be. I may not be totally on or 'on fire'.

I may not be lifting His name up as i used to...

but God still loves me from the inside out. that's what that matters..

It's not just a happy feeling, its not just assurance. its total stillness in God's presence. right here, right now. And i'm inspired again, i can feel the strength in my hands, like that strength when i first started changing with God inside, the strength when i first started serving.

I got it, and i will use that strengh to be better.

I might not be physically as fit, as perfect as God's temple. But i'll try my best with the strength that i have.

I might not be as mentally sharp, as strong as Christ, i may not renew my mind every day..but i'll try the best with the strength that i have.

I might not be as spiritually centered as possible..but i am assured with Christ there, i can do it. I'll use my strength to draw closer to Him.

so..18 years..

other people might scream out loud..drink, go party..and yeah i've felt that i wanted to do that too. but hey..all i feel right now is a great stillness and thankfullness for God's love in my life, the family He gave me, the friends and mentors out there (thank you all for being such an awesome part in my life.).

So here's to you, all of you. Jesus, Holy Spirit, Father, teachers past and present, mum & dad, family, and friends.

Best birthday i've had so far.

2009-05-30T23:12:00.001+08:00

thanks to family, friends, God for 18 years of great great life (:

the future is amazing..

2009-04-27T02:13:00.000+08:00

holy shit.

2009-04-22T20:30:00.001+08:00

i am alive..i choose to be alive..
i have Christ..i chose to have Christ..
I have Faith..i chose to have Faith..

i choose not to be negative..

for all things work for the good of those who Love God!

2009-04-22T14:04:00.002+08:00

alot of thoughts coming up..

maybe these are just random feelings or something subconcious happened, but i just need to type this out for myself to see.

i feel very tired and exhausted

not just physically but socially, spiritually

i'm tired of putting up a sort of show or act..

like i was tired of ministry..tired of getting up so many things

i regret doing alot of things in life.

i feel distanced away from friends, family

i feel exhausted. tired. don't want to continue this big race anymore.

i worship and i praise and i feel God's blessing and presence but why i dont feel refreshed...

I'm going to be harshly honest here..

i hate being alone..i hate walking this path on my own..

neither my parents or my friends can help me..nor even see what i'm going through

I'd love to have a family member or at least a understanding friend to listen

but its like every time i find the right person..i commit to easily and i realise at the end its just a false hope in a friendly face.

I dont know what to do to spend more time with my parents.

I dont know what to do to improve training. To improve design.

I dont know what to do spiritually.

I used to go around turns and corners..and walk this great path

and everywhere God would speak to me about people..about love

and now every corner i turn, i ask myself what happened

like 7 months ago you were a on fire son, you served in the House of The Lord,

you loved His people and gave everything

and then it just crumbled into dust when i expected to ride the wave higher..

I remember that one of my most admired leader and friend told me a long time ago..

Faith is a choice..you can't just have faith suddenly or ask your friend to give you faith like money..it's a choice.

its just so hard to have faith...

it's just so hard to choose.

I know God is speaking to me.

Just now i was impacted. I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, feelings, distractions..lonliness, i felt like giving up

honestly like walking straight into the street and ending my life there.

but a bus passed by and written on it was:

"Come all who are weary, and I will give you rest." - matthew

I felt like God just showed me something straight from heaven.

but i dont know. it's so hard to choose to have faith..

and i don't have anyone that can spur me on..

i regret alot of things..alot of stupid things..

2009-04-19T16:58:00.002+08:00

Mood:tired..
Location:home
Listening to:stitched up instrumental rendition by John Mayer and Steve Jordan

can't wait. seb vettil just won the shanghai loop..

highlights this week:

training at potong pasir
quite satisfied with my endurance so far, i think i need to start working alot more on my form and patience..Archery is like science. you gotta get everything consistent, right, straight on the dot. If it doesnt work, it means you ain't got the process right.

On the other hand, its an artform. you have to get the feeling right, get the whole sense..be in control of yourself, of your body. use your instincts. is something wrong or right? am i stressed/tense?

Service at Jurong West
it was great to go with shine again to City Harvest. Pastor talked about love & love busters. And i'm suprised and enlightened by the message and it's focus..

I got the revelation that marriage is sort of like teamwork. We cover the other where we lack..we provide what we can for the other partner. it's not about the self, but a cover for the other..

It's like being in the battlefield..sometimes when you have to move from one place to another in a warzone, you have to have a buddy to watch your six right? there's where your spouse comes in..

It's like being in work..we have to be accountable to each other, we have to be responsible for our actions and give our best in each thing that we do..

I'm inspired and happy. When i get married God-willing..its going to be a test of commitment, character, strength, spiritual resilience..but its worth it.

Can't wait for another service at jurong west...

It's not just an emotional feeling or some happy concert where young people go to relieve stress..it's the building of lives and destinies. I'm glad to witness the building of a church..a nation in action.

again kudos to shine for bringing me here..it's possible that this is gg to be the greatest and longest investment i've made in a long time ;)

School
damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn. damn.

American Idol
they saved matt G! it means 2 guys are out next week though. I hope Adam and Danny make it through..it looks like this season, they are in head to head..Adam lambert wowed since the start..Black and White, Ring of Fire, Tracks of my Tears, Mad world..Danny has his fair share! but who will win..we'll find out, after the break!

Printing Cards:
Printed cards for two special someones..I was really inspired by one of them and (if you're from school, don't freak out) Ms Prisca.

Honesty, i'm grateful to recieve and i'm really happy that people do believe in paying it foward.. i'm left bewildered, WOW-ED and just estatic. In a world (not to mention country) which lacks generosity..other values. There are people out there who are willing to pay it forward.

So why not? make a difference and make someone's day. You never know, maybe you'll be the amazing person in the reciever's life..

Maybe you can lead the person to salvation..

Even save that person's physical life.

Or just make a new friend.

It doesnt have to be a physical gift like a watch or book.

It can be an emotional gift. Just being there for a person.

Or it can be something extraordinary. Like what God did on the cross for us.

maybe it costs money. Resources. Time.

But i can share with you and i'm sure that all these people would share with you too, it's a job worth doing and the look when you see these people recieve gifts..is just more satisfying than the many pleasures in life.. try it. you won't be dissappointed. ;)

I'm inspired and pushed to do more for people and give a little bit more of love for others.

Maybe the person won't value that gift..or even throw it in your face.

But hey..its about giving and loving..

maybe one day, a long time away..that friend will remember what you did..

maybe it'll change that person..

I've been changed by people paying it forward. So i'm inspired to pay it forward too. I want to be a changemaker..

so why not you too?

2009-04-15T17:05:00.002+08:00

Mood: musical
Location: Starbucks Cathay
Listening to: Ain't no sunshine covered by Kris Allen

Adam Lambert - American Idol

Adam Lambert is just really, the most fantastic singer out of the many i've come across. If could marry a man, he would be the one.

how does anqi do it.

*SWOOOOOOOOOOOOONS* :D :D :D

but i suppose that i can't either way. If i'm a guy, i can't marry him cause it ain't lawful. If i'm a girl, i can't marry him cause he's gay.

ANYWAY. out at starbucks cathay now! spending time with benjammin..haven't seen him since grad night actually. it's been a few long years and its great to be catching up..loads of changes in his life too. met up at novena starbucks, went for lunch at velocity's foodcourt. Currently enjoying some coffee and music..going to listen to Paul Rodgers and queen. Hope their lead singer's good..even though no one can replace Freddie Mercury, I hope that Paul will lead them somewhee.

Some thoughts after catching up with ben:
I guess sometimes things do happen. he's got some problems of his own too..so have a few of my classmates. churches aern't perfect and all, but i realised from talking it out..what matters the most is actually getting back into one as soon as possible (a good one. no use going to places you know you don't belong, and where God doesn't want you to stay) and growing, as well as serving together with the CG. Bitterness ain't that nice to hold on to.

Updates on the last few days:
Monday- Spent time at home. nothing much done, conceptualizing the cards i'm printing for my dear friends. sometimes i'm wowed by the love that people show (in friendship) sometimes..it's hard to find good, trustable people..let alone people who give out their love freely.

Tuesday- met up with Ian Yap for lunch at raffles..had subway, headed over to Guitar Connection at peninsula plaza. they have AWESOME guitars there..its not a bad place! interesting stuff..saw a few guitars, including the one used by xjapan's guitarist..some fenders, old gibson..and the jimi hendrix one. (above) the one that JM always uses when he plays blues. beau-ti-ful. hopefully i can get it soon..need to save.. good experience, i think i'm going to get an acoustic from there..tried out one that they just fixed out. The sound and feeling is not bad..powerful, quite interesting. gotta hang out with ian more..i just found out his dad is a music nut. owns like. 10 over guitars and stuff. heh.

plans this wk:

Thursday: meet sheeeeeeeena for ice cream at udders. It's near velocity/united square
Friday: training. Shine's cg barbque thingy. hopefully i have time to go.
Saturday: service at chc. hang out at library?
Sunday: training, guitar lessons, gym.

and..get ready for school.. )=

2009-04-13T01:46:00.004+08:00

Mood: thoughtful.
Location: home
Listening to: Mad World covered by Adam Lambert

This week has been a significant one so far..

I spent my week organizing my stuff..training, gym, etc. I was supposed to go to Thailand on thursday/friday..but it just so happened that on thursday afternoon, we heard about the political strife in Thailand and my dad decided to cancel the trip.

In the end, I went with Shine to City Harvest Church Jurong West for their Easter Service.

Initially i felt that this was just..another service, another evangelical pressing- another Church Recruitment thing..new friends..service..saved, etc. i wasn't that excited.

But hey, as i went there..as i talked and caught up more with shine, as i talked to her friends, got into the atmosphere..watched the play, something really ignited in me that i've not felt in a long time. I felt that this isn't just another play or service or something to get the new friends excited about..but it's really about God and the Lost.

This is about Lives. Destinies.

I was impressed and impacted when the Risen Jesus raised Carmen (the protagonist Silas's daughter) from the dead, even after Silas himself used to mock Jesus..claim himself the superior 'messiah', etc..

As Pastor Kong preached the Word of God, i felt my ears and heart were opened to a whole old dimension.

Yes you saw it right, old.

I started to remember God's Awesome Grace in my life and how he changed me from the inside out.

I was Born with Asperger's Syndrome, a problem based in the spectrum of Autism that really inhibited social understanding and interaction. The Psychologist my mum brought me to tried her best to diagnose and put me on a path of treatment, but she did not have high hopes for me and even thought that i would grow up a depressed child.

I suffered alot in Primary school. I had problems talking to people, making friends, maintaining relationships, following rules. I took things for granted. I had major issues with work, i did not see any purpose in studying, any effort required. I didn't have dreams.

As i approached secondary school..some of my friends started telling me about Jesus Christ and what He had done on the cross for all of us. I was a believer of the buddhist philosophy at that time..and i turned them down. In fact, after many invitations to church..invitations to say the sinner's prayer, I began to get irritaited.. How could a man rise from the dead? If God is God as He is, why not just make sin..go away and just clean us up? If God is so good why are there sufferings in this world?

In Secondary school, i began to become involved with people from other schools..we didn't study, went out alot, skipped school..enjoyed life, took things for granted. We were really near delinquents.. I felt my life spiralling downwards because of all these things..but yet, i felt elated to a certian extent to have friends who i can communicate with and understand..

Around this time, i began to despise and discredit Christians. I was unhappy about how they reached out to others..how they rebuked us for worshipping idols, how they stepped beyond their boundaries..how they just showed hypocritical behaviour. An incident at a relative's funeral spurred me into further hate.. Christians and non christians in the family became bitterly divided over who should take the body and the rites to be done. and the Christians started it all instead of respecting our stand..

Eventually, I decided to become an antichristian. And i succeeded to a certian extent..i encouraged people to turn away, even made others hate God..

But God is a graceful God. a wonderful God.

One day, i woke up to find a deep, deep hunger in my heart. Not a hunger for food, a hunger for love, but just a deep hunger to find out more about God. Who was this God? What did He do? why are they so fanatical..so pressing, his believers? i decided to find answers to this religion instead of just hating it blindly..

As i went around visiting churches, reading the bible , i began to give up on religion and fighting Christianity.. One day, i was doing my usual mischief, i was making fun of people..and in really weird circumstances, i became friends with a girl who i was having a petty argument over the superiority of cca's.

one day, this girl asked me to come to church..the instant that happened, i felt really angry, i bombed her with all sorts of stuff..'discreapancies' in the bible, false preachers/pastors, wrong teaching, christian fanatics, hypocrites..i turned her down and encouraged her to step away from church.

but one that about this girl struck me- she didn't give up on inviting me to church. One day, i went for her cell group. This is what happened..we met up with the cg..introduced ourselves, etc. and as the message about faith closed, the CGL began to pray for people..and she came to me. I didn't even know her name. She began to speak about my life and struggles that i've faced, and told me that God was watching and understands..and sometimes we just need to run to Him. give Him a chance. She prayed for an encounter with God to come in my life. I was just blown away. A person whom i've just met for half an hour or so, tell me things about my life and struggles, speak the words i needed to hear in my life?

I decided to give Jesus a Chance. I just said.."Lord, Jesus, whoever you are, if you are real, if you watch over me, I ask you into my life." and at that moment, God spoke into my life for the very first time.

"Put your Faith in your Heart and in ALL you do. NEVER GIVE UP."

and being in church, seeing those many, many many people saved in front of the stage in the auditorium, i felt the same grace that i felt the first few moments i was saved.

My God, the Grace He poured down in my life was incredible. just incredible.

and wow, it was just incredible. i felt doors open. i felt ministered to.

'Your time isin't over. there is more."

i felt a deep, deep hunger for more then, i really felt thrown back into the water. Worship, God, Jesus, Everything. all at once.

i know. it's not over. it's not over. it's not over. it's not over.

there's more in store. there's more.

God is just amazing.

2009-04-11T15:44:00.003+08:00

the blog is currently under construction, so you may experience a little bit of bugs here and there. sorry! (=

2009-04-03T14:25:00.002+08:00

Mood: awake
Location: home
Listening to: Antinomianism Part 1 by Kong Hee

Just a few updates on what i've been doing these days:

Went to malacca a couple of weeks ago, went to the admiral Cheng Ho museum and walked around with dad in his meetings. It was quite an enlightening experience. The museum was built by this guy who believed in the Historical Value and history between Malacca and China. It was awesome to discover actually how incredible the Admiral's fleet was. He actually travelled around the world and discovered many things first - including the American Lands! To hear that princesses and political ties were made between the malayan lands and culture was intermixed is really really enlightening. Overall it was a good experience..and i'm glad that dad is making a good deal to bring this museum to another level. hope he gets the good commission he deserves.

But mostly, i am inspired by this Dr David who built this museum. Although he is 73 years old, he is a successful millionare and has a passion for the arts. You can call him a social entrepruneur- except he's making a difference to SAVE culture and history. Good experience :D

Anyways, we went back to Singapore just after one day.

Okay..fast forward a few days-
Settled some stuff at home, about past stuff, cleared up alot of difficulties and problems. Visited Auntie Boon and got some advice about problems and how to deal them..Oh yeah, and recently i went to City Harvest Church to hear Pastor Phil Pringle preach. (see previous post.) Incredible..bought some leadership books. its gonna be good! it's called leadership exellence. Fast foward a few days..Alison's Birthday! haha. yeah, happy 18th bday! it was fun..good experience. nice to catch up with some of our classmates.

fast forward to my thoughts..

I think that where i am right now..is a period of finding out God for myself. God is impossible to understand..but i am motivated to find out All i can. I am willing to push myself to rediscoved God as i though He was. And i came to a revelation that i have to stop perseverating about people who don't follow His law..

I mean, if we see Jesus in his ministry..

John 9:1-6

¹As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. ²His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"

³"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. ⁴As long as it is day, we must do the work of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. ⁵While I am in the world, I am the light of the world."

⁶Having said this, he spit on the ground, made some mud with the saliva, and put it on the man's eyes. ⁷"Go," he told him, "wash in the Pool of Siloam" (this word means Sent). So the man went and washed, and came home seeing.

John 9:16-17

¹⁶Some of the Pharisees said, "This man is not from God, for he does not keep the Sabbath."
But others asked, "How can a sinner do such miraculous signs?" So they were divided.

¹⁷Finally they turned again to the blind man, "What have you to say about him? It was your eyes he opened."
The man replied, "He is a prophet."

John 9:24-25

²⁴A second time they summoned the man who had been blind. "Give glory to God,^b]">[b]" they said. "We know this man is a sinner."

²⁵He replied, "Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!"

He did not bother about what was DONE or what this man DID before. He did not CARE what happened to him or WHAT made him blind. Unlike his diciples and the rabbis who questioned why he was blind, who made him blind, how he was afflicted from sin and etc, and bickered over it, Jesus simply washed the blind man's affliction away.

²⁵He replied, "Whether he is a sinner or not, I don't know. One thing I do know. I was blind but now I see!"

Maybe there are people who sin all they want and do heresy against the holy spirit and God and Jesus, but what matters most is what we can do in the time that is given to us.

Don't bicker. Just heal.

I can't wait to get another revelation from God. (=

Plans for today: Bathe, clean room, Go to sim lim square.

2009-03-29T01:10:00.002+08:00

Mood: Serious
Location: Home
Listening to: nothing

Past few days: Spent some time in malacca, did some shopping with dad. Went around with him to see the Admiral Cheng Ho museum. I'm not really in the mood to post about it now, but i'll let you guys know what happens in another post.

Today, i went to City Harvest Church and heard Pastor Phil Pringle preach.

He spoke about trials and tribulations, and how we should view these trials and tribulations.

That they are there to show us that God is preparing us to be better, stronger, faster, more powerful.

I am grateful to have heard that he was coming. I feel that this opportunity to hear him preach was God given

And it was a God given circumstance to hear about tribulations. especially what i've been going through.

You know, i wonder if this is what it was meant to be. me in City harvest Church.

I feel disillusionised by being 'on fire' for God, being a good youth, being a 'leader'.

I CAN'T JUST TALK. I NEED TO WALK. I NEED TO FIND A PLACE WHERE I CAN PLACE MY HEART AND LISTEN TO TEACHERS, AND GO INTO THE WORLD WITH A HEART AND KNOWLEDGE THAT JESUS SAVES ALL.

I DONT WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO HAVE FUN. I WANT TO LISTEN, RECIEVE THE WORD OF GOD. I WANT TO LEARN.

i feel SO fustrated at people sometimes. Young 'christians'.

i was having a conversation with a good friend today.

i hear a thirteen year old asked on her blog if it's okay to have SEX with her boyfriend, and she's a christian.

i hear christian girls and boys in abusive relationships cling onto their hurtful 'laogongs' and such.

and sometimes i dont understand why they do it and i really turn to hate them..you profess to love God and serve his house, but what about him and you? your relationship's getting in the way and you can't decide if you want to put God first..

YOU CAN'T BE A CHRISTIAN AND HAVE SEX WITH A STRANGER.
YOU CAN'T BE A CHRISTIAN AND GET DRUNK AND SMOKE UNDERAGE.
YOU CAN'T BE A CHRISTIAN AND CREATE SUFFERING FOR PEOPLE YOU 'LOVED'

but i realise that i can't judge them but only say my stand and minister to them..and then pray. sometimes i wish i can..be God and change them. but i know i can't. that He has a higher purpose for them, that this happens for a reason.

i need a revelation. today im starting to read leadership exellence, hearing pastor Kong, Tan, Phil's sermons.

these few days, i need to know. i need to seek God, i need to have a revelation. i need to have bible studies. i need to understand.

God is there. people are suffering. His people have got it wrong. how can i help?

2009-03-23T00:33:00.002+08:00

Mood: Quirked
Location: Home
Listening to: Breezing by George Benson

Just got home from the esplanade not long ago, throroughly enjoyed my time there..

Family actually went out to have dinner at balestier food court, but we ended up heading to the esplanade..caught a live performance at the concourse just before it started- a three piece bossa-nova jazz band..not bad! they performed their rendition mahal de carnaval..so danco samba, masque nada and many others..

Saw yp's music teachers there! what a suprise.

haha, other than that, i just spent my day shooting. very dissappointing day though

You know where sometimes you feel like you're hitting a brick wall over and over again during training? I just got there again. It used to be a problem with pulling the arrows to the correct draw length, but now its ok..i realise my big problem is the issue with strength management. Like coach michelle said..First round, ace scores..but second round i'm defeated halfway through, i can't even lift my bow up..

gotta keep going. i'm inspired to train harder and better, and show the archery community what i can do.

plans tomorrow: 1 hour cardio workout, 3 sets of upper body training..30 laps breaststroke, library, design riser cover, design new outlook, finish starcraft.

and starbucks. YEAAH

2009-03-22T06:53:00.002+08:00

Mood: happy
Location: home
Listening to: Stop This Train by John Mayer

John's a big inspiration!

Even though i'm still stuck doing arpeggios and Prelude in Em, he inspires me to be creative with music, make things right in my ears..

“I'm singing what I want to sing based on the emotion of what that day feels like. That's what comes out of my mouth and guitar. That impacts people. They know anything can happen.”

It's a challenge to me i think.

work up your music skills, get it to a level where you can play well, and the only mistakes you make is how uncreative, or boring-sounding your rendition of the notes and music is.

It's a long way..a great dream to live for

oh, i reversed my sleep cycle by the way. cheerio

2009-03-21T10:14:00.002+08:00

Mood: awake
Location: starbucks, united square
Listening to: time after time by tuck&patti

I love starbucks.

Morning, it's 10:20 in the morning, and i'm at starbucks novena..

Pretty amazing huh? normally i wouldnt be up in such a time as this..but yeah i am! didnt manage to sleep through the night, so i stayed up to do some stuff on the com..sort out my accounts and money. Went out at 8 for a breakfast at long john's, headed over to starbucks to have a cuppa.

i'm amazed by how successful starbucks is- the branding, the look, the effects. It's mesmerizing, it's iconic. I love the place.

The ambience is good. the music is jazzy. the coffee is great! and it's comfy..ain't too cold either.

well, if i'm going to start a business next time, i hope to be have something as iconic as starbucks..cause they are certianly making history in our morden world.

thoughts: Been going through alot of changes recently. I think all these so called changes or phases i'm having is like a period i'm going through in order to grow. It may seem like a big load of negative, self-critisim and angsty teenage emotions, but it's change.

I picture it as a bird going through the changes of adulthood. He's gotta moult his feathers and grow a new coat.

I see a new change in heart, vision, aims, goals. a new sort of spurring in the heart, a new fire, a new irritable feeling to get rid of how i used to be in the past.

i hope to finish this change and embark on a long period of effectiveness in my eighteenth year..

I've pretty much had enough of being unproductive and obsessed with emotions and anger..

I scoff at myself now when i see that i used to get angry and friends or comment on how low their common sense or intelligence was..

Now i laugh at how i used to convince myself i was in 'love' with a person.

now i have a deep understanding that what i used to believe in people is really dead.

i need to be more billy. more real, more like who i am supposed to be in God.

I can't be pulled down by the wrong things in life or distractions. I got a goal to run towards to- and i think i'm really going to sprint towards it this time.

i need to..if not there isint much of a future there for me is it? (=

live, learn, lead

2009-03-20T17:21:00.002+08:00

Mood: average
Location: home
Listening to: nothing

The past few weeks have been a mix of good and bad.

Good: Got my archery board up at home, getting a new string, jig and stuff. Getting new clothes/sporting equipment. Finally have goggles and a decent shooting shirt.

Bad: been tired, sleeping hours have become 5am-3pm, having lots of shouting matches with mum, always have screwed up plans in the end. havent been hanging out with my classmates.

The great things: I've sorted out my vision, mission and standing. I feel better, more productive. I sorted out the things about my crush -

I am no longer 'in a destructive circle of so called love' now. I have embarrased, downtrodden myself and fallen prey to my emotions. i need to work on that. I can't fall in love, or so called love. I need to have less emotion.

anyway,

woke up today at one, had a bloody conversation with mum about how things should be done in project group.

I'm fed up with her talking to me about the same things over and over again.

went upstairs, talked somemore, fell asleep.

just woke up. wow great productive day.

I got gpa of 2.95 btw.

average.

i have to be better. i know that this was due to past mistakes and character. but i can let emotions and unhappiness bring me down.

I have the power. I'm blessed, I'm a Child of God. i can do this.

I'm going to see Phil Pringle at CHC btw.

I feel compelled, sort of different. like that airforce commercial.

'I am here for a higher purpose.'

2009-03-13T15:37:00.001+08:00

New changes :)

2009-02-23T09:19:00.002+08:00

Mood: Inspired!
Location: Home
Listening to: Forth, Eorlingas! by Howard Shore

thinking about the 'commitments' and 'self-fufilling prophecies' that i've made recently.

am i to throw away my future because i didnt get to where i want?

will i give up on relationships and friendships because of petty things?

will peer pressure stop me from doing the right that as i see it?

Will where i am turn me away from God and doing what is right in His eyes?

Will i forfeit a path of a servant and son of a King, for my own desires?

I think it's high time to start picking myself up again, carrying myself well, and knowing who i am.

I'm not some boy with low self esteem, in a persecuted world with a horrible family.

Hey, i'm Billy. It's time to wake up!
I'm who i am as God made me - a Friend, Servant and Son.
and i'm NOT gg to let simple things deter me from living out my destiny!

2009-02-20T03:20:00.002+08:00

Mood: FULL OF EMBLAZONED UNHAPPY FURY
Location:my room
Listening to:waiting on the world to change by JM

Feel like this dude here ^^^^^^

JESUS CHRIST.
God. Father. Holy Spirit.
I pray that you will give me the wisdom to know my responsibilities
my directions in life and my priorities too.
I've not been studying
I've been arguing ALOT with people i love.
But i trust in you.
I've been playing alot
and being NOT who i am recently.
But i trust in you.

I pray for guidance and power
to stop playing WOW at 3am in the morning
and to get cracking at statistics.
For you are Lord Almighty..you know what a T-test is
better than anyone else
even Ms Emily.

I thank you for putting me where i am,
Giving me experiences that make me learn
Hard ways or soft.
Thanks God, I love you.
I really want to worship you soon.
I miss spending time with you. alot.

2009-02-18T02:50:00.002+08:00

Mood: tired
Location: Home
Listening to: You Don't Fool Me by Queen

I'm so in love with this comic.

Since i got introed to the guy who makes the WOW comics..i got through to this guy! now he makes loads of comics..but he's a kinda perv, so the stuff that comes out of him are totally wacked out. But i've fallen in love with one of his series called 'Peter is the Wolf!'. Pretty exciting story. It's based in the present time..where werewolves are common, and humans are living alongside them.

Average joe peter's a werewolf in disguise! so is his best friend Jean..
Things seem normal for pete..running away from chasing dudes..an extremely posessive preteen girl-werewolf..Until one day he and his girlfriend (Sarah) get it on at home..and she gets infected!

Go google it..if you dare : P

Had an average day today, played wow till afternoon, headed for a 30-lap swim. Walked to toa payoh, did stats and POA. went home..on the com till now : )

and that's my day!

2009-02-15T18:21:00.002+08:00

Mood: normal
Location: Home
Listening to: Waters of March, played by Lisa Ono

I can't get over comics sometimes. :)

Had a brilliant day yesterday at the GK forum in school. Met alot of people, shared my experience..planned a lot of stuff. Met the Singaporean fellow who climbed mount everest and skated from Hanoi to singapore! He's going to kayak the whole length of the phillippines, from south to north, in 120 days with a team of sportsmen from various schools to raise awareness for Gawad Kalinga. I'm really impressed! It's a project called Kayak of hope, and he'll be holding it from April to August. Pit stops in towns, GK villages and anywhere that's dry land. :P

Sounds great, and i really sincerly hope to get to catch one of his sports trips from town to town!

yup, so i hope to be there when he starts or has a pit stop in one of the towns.. i hope to also go back and bring some of my juniors in course to experience phil (=

I was just looking at the GK challenge for this year and i feel inspired! Usually GK holds rallies, and in these rallies they always have challenges to the volunteers and staff, as well as countrymen..so last time it was always raise funds and keep getting in volunteers and all..but last year and this year, they had this challenge to send their teams to build communities inside the 'last frontier' of terrorist activities- SULU! Impressed much!

I'm more impressed over the recent expeditions to mindanao. There was a story which came back of a rebel army commander who happened to come upon a GK site. at sight, the people in the village were really scared..the commander went around asking people what was GK and what were these people doing? all the villagers shared their experiences and the change that GK has brought, and WOW, guess what? the commander decided to put down her arms and join the GK build. (=

Yup, more that building houses and communities, it's building values..and PEACE.

That's my yesterday! Today i went over to guitar for a session with lionel, did a piece from a classical music CD. Had a little talk about music and composition intepretations..very, very inspiring and beautiful. You can say that i'm almost looking at music in a totally different way now! After that went for a 2 hour swim..completed 30 laps of breastroke and a mixture of other stuff..stayed home to do stuff.

overall an okay day? gonna study for the rest of the time. and maybe read a little bit more comics (=

2009-02-13T20:19:00.002+08:00

Mood: Tappy (tired/happy)
Location: Home
Listening to: Canto Della Terra (song of the earth) By Andrea Bocelli

OHMYGOAD! LMAO
http://icanhascheezburger.com/ <- addicted to this stuff alrealdy!

alrighty- had a pretty alright day. Woke up at about 8 in the morning to head for the pool and gym, ended up cutting it short because of bad weather. Headed to school to meet with Cheryl to study. Looked around in stats for awhile, while cheryl and her friend was doing up her crashed laptop

-break-
school's gotta do something about the laptops and the failure rates man..its UNBELIEVABLY high and really disgusting. why not macintoshes instead of windows? Vista can be loaded on the OS. ):
-break-

Had my breakfast of salmon-cheese spread bread (disgusting it sounds, but nice it is.), worked on stats and my com for a while. Amanda-sis came by, and we went off to the library to study. ended up on the fifth floor doing POA..

Quite okay, figured out and smoothened out alot of things that me and her were stuck on. Went through a few concepts and the revision paper with her, until cheryl came up..we went charging onto the first three chapters of the book. hard yeah..but well, mission success (= Went to eat and talk at canteen 1 about random stuff, went home after that. Cleared up my stuff at home, organized my schedule for tomorrow, played a bit of WOW and cleaned up the POA notes. and here i am, blogging.

Overall a productive day- but i gotta really do something about the workout. I dont think it's enough, and i really have to find a place where i can swim at night without any restrictions. Maybe toa payoh swimming complex? also gotta find an alternative to archery and swimming..inclement weather really ruins the day. Long day tomorrow, looking forward to it! gonna share my guts about GK. :D

i really wanna be your valentine. )=

2009-02-13T00:35:00.002+08:00

Mood: Tired
Location: Home
Listening to: Random stuff on discovery channel

Summarizing today's events: woke up late today, went to study at the Plaza sing. I was hoping that I could meet up with Janell and Julinda to do POA, but both of them couldnt make it ): stayed at starbucks until about three, i re-did ms prisca's revision worksheet three times! i feel so proud of myself man :D

haha, went to QQ for a lunch of QQ house mian. it wasnt too bad, but it didnt really fill ): not too satisfied..headed over to PS to have takoyaki and to read a little bit of stuff. Went over to the central library after that to finish up my work.

Headed home on around 7.

productive day! studied about 5-6 hours i think. ( counting the little time used for FB and all other sorts of random shit :D)

tomorrow: Swim/Gym, Go to school to study with cheryl/amanda?/Ronny?/bryan? hope they come.

IT'S POA TIME! :D

oh yeah, just found this quote.

“Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as fucked as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see her again.” - John Mayer

music is just so amazing. )':

2009-02-12T23:12:00.000+08:00

Mood: Moderate
Location: Home
Listening to: I don't trust myself (with loving you) by John Mayer

What is your True Fear? Your Result: Where Your life is Going You are a very determined and willful individual. You have strong set goals that you plan to reach no matter what. You may be an overachiever at times but that's because you want to be successful in your life. The greatest accomplishment for you is when you reach a high goal. However, you constantly worry if you're not good enough to do something, or if your life doesn't go according to plan. You worry a lot about your future, and if it will meet all your high criteria. Don't worry, with your determination, and hard work ethic, and organization chances are things will go according to plan.
Commitment
Disappointment
Looked down on
Losing Someone
Being Alone
Death
What is your True Fear? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

lol

2009-02-12T12:25:00.002+08:00

At starbucks plaza sing now.

This is how i feel:

well, just mental suicide.

Had inspiration to design this morning, but it kinda flew away..went back to sleep until about 11. left for the city and here i am..

thoughts:
i think yesterday's outburst was one of those negative-self-analysis thingies again. gotta stop doing that..and really start analysing myself in a positive, constructive way.

yeah, people are subjected to jealousy and such. it's okay, i understand.

yeah, the world is a little shitty..but yeah. dont have to conform to their ways don'cha billy?

thanks to friends who were listening out to my rants and displeasure.

gotta get my life straight, god damn it

2009-02-12T10:43:00.000+08:00

I'm a lazy lover
Undercover
Wasting time
Then one day this summer
I changed my number
To cut my line

Good love is on the way
I been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

3 years broken hearted
But now her ghost is finally gone
I'm done with broken people
This is me
I'm working on (cause I know)

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know, I'll be ok
Good love is on the way

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good to go for wherever I'm needed
Bags are packed and I'm
Down by the door
You can take all the tricks up my sleeve
I don't need them anymore

Good love is on the way
I've been lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Good love is on the way
I've been lonely but I know I'll be ok
Good love is on the way
Oh, Good love is on the way, hey

2009-02-11T17:10:00.003+08:00

i'm having one of those emotional spells again.

sometimes i wonder why i can't be recognized, or people would just pay a little bit of attention or take me seriously.

maybe it's because i dont take the bloody initative to make sure they pay attention?

maybe because i'm naturally a fucked-up prick.

im not a very outgoing guy, i dont talk to people.

sure, i dont expect everyone to be friends with me and all, but at least others could give me some understanding and space right?

it's not like i'm talking like some born-of-insecurity freaks of nature...

and the whole thing about jealousy.

it just sucks to see people you love get whisked away by some other guy, just because he's more charming, relates better, less weird.

maybe i havent found the right girl to love yet. i dont know, i'm sort of in this state of whirling, self-destroying sadness.

i've had enough of trying to hard to impress other people.

I'm being myself yeah. but some people just dont want me to be myself.

so what, my own personality gets on other's nerves? i dont understand what's wrong.

so i have to be fake to make others smile?

just a mixture of unhappy feelings right now.

just sucks to know that you're trying to convince yourself that you hate a person or something, just to run away from it and hide the feeling that deep down inside, you're scared.

like:

My honest self: I do like her alot. maybe she's the one for me.

My lying self: look at her. she's childish, doesnt even know half the things you know, talentless, full of bad assumptions.

My honest self: Hey, but loving others is about accepting their flaws right?

L.S : do you honestly think that she'll like someone as fucked up as you?

H.S : just maybe she will. i gotta try.

L.S : look at your fucked up family. you think she and you will click? she's so close to everyone else.

-i just give up at this point, and understand that i hate her.-

but back again next morning, i think about her and smile.

I'm having these horrible battles every day, and i dont know what to do to win the war. i dont even know why i'm fighting this shit with myself.

2009-02-11T09:55:00.001+08:00

Just finished listening to John Mayer's 'Where the light Is: Live in Los Angeles.' DVD.

For all you mayer fans out there, go check out the album: it's JM's latest, and greatest work to date in my opinion. Check out waiting on the world to change, Good love is on the way, and Gravity, if you have the time.

on listening to music:

How do i define to myself what a good song is?

when i can relate to and understand the lyrics, understand the 'drift' of the singer/songwriter.

when the musical arrangements, tempo, feel, melody and lyrics sound like, and compliment each other in absolutely creative ways.

when the artist who made it is someone who really makes music because it's his/her passion, and you can actually feel and understand that passion when they're up on stage, even when you're playing his gig on the record player.

Sometimes you just have to try to listen to a load of artists and songs before you get to a good piece of music. Call it eating a little bit of crap, but it's worth it. You might not know it, but the satisfaction of finding a good artist, immersing yourself in his/her pieces, translating the notes and lyrics into meaning- it's easily comparable to being in love.

Finding a great song really is like finding a great plate of char quay teow, or wonton mee after going through 10,000,000 seafood stalls and make-believe chicken rice sellers. i'm sure how you just wanna keep going on and on back to a stall savouring it's food and falling head over heels in love with it.

Maybe once in a blue moon, the chef mods his recepies, adds a little bit too much chilli, makes a mistake. But hey, like a song, you never know. a little variation, improvisation, might just transform a song into something other than a song.

Take certain covers for example- on new years day i just heard an awesome cover of 'With or without you' (U2) by the band at Acid Bar somerset. I know how it's been overplayed a million times in shops, radio stations and other joints for years. but hey, they way the band took it acoustically, the way the voice handled bono's lyrics, the way the crowd reacts. It transformed the song to something more like a bloody awesome emotion.

to all you music fans out there: don't give up finding out more about music and exploring different genres.

Dont be satisfied with click five or the bee gees.

It'll make your day, like it made my day i met Queen, Jason Mraz, John Mayer, and Michael Jackson. (=

2009-02-09T20:55:00.006+08:00

found some interesting photos while i was going through my pictures:

yuepeng's cartman pillow.

Re-did my whole room, there's the music area..

work place..

bed (it's not done. still need to find suitable sheets, pillows, and figure out what i'm going to do with YP's double bass.

some of you might have noticed i got the super sound system..here it is :)
it's awesome. Great gift from one uncle lawrence, the guy who does textiles with dad in the business. His company's the liason or something with MJ himself, and he managed to get over a set of MJ 'one' sound systems. revolutionary. It looks like a painting on the outside right?

It's actually a damn bloody big speaker. i've got one on the other side of the table, and a subwoofer underneath. the sound is orgasmix.

my brother yp at one of his performances. at blujaz cafe i think.

Bro YP and SIS fangting in paris.
Symposium photo. check out the bloody ah beng on top
Parents forum..with mingxiu. check out matthew han (in between marcus's legs)photo PQ sent me just now

more coming later

2009-02-09T20:14:00.004+08:00

hey.

Going through another phase of change again, well maybe its the exams but i dont know.

It's just this feeling..i'm inspired to work hard, be direct, be truthful, regardless of how people behave.

I dont know, recently i've been really fed up with trying to speak to please people, trying to go on with the varnished language of the adult world. where words twist and turn..and conversations only carry maybe 30% of the intended meaning?

Recently i've been indulging myself alot in places i like, isolating myself in the things that i love: Guitar, Music, Food, the City sights. Every now and then (almost every day in fact,) i find myself studying my tb's and facebooking in either the central library/bugis/esplanade/Somerset areas, or just plain distracted in the arms of my classical guitar.

my tastes seem to be changing, i'm not really interested in the funny things, the childish things and such. I seem to be forgetting about going out to watch movies, playing LAN, hanging around to play CS, going to J8 and Velocity.

Maybe it's a signal of change. I'm growing up and older one more time.

hey, i just want to be direct, express myself. write my change down and see where i'm going.

and i guess the first step is through this blog. yeah, i feel like i'm gonna spend more time typing out my thoughts and chronicling my personal journeys here and there. so yeah, personal reflection, to see where i'm going in music. arts. social enteprise, design, archery.

the second step is prolly going back to poetry and literature writing- i used to love doing that until i got caught up with o's. great way to relieve stress and pen down expression.

maybe the third step is to start with people?

I've yet to talk things out with my crush, and sort things with the people i've got issues with.

Yeah, i know i'm lagging LOADS behind and still in the warped, ugly old fat shell that billy-a-year-ago is..but hey. i can see that i'm shedding some skin here.

Change..

oh yeah, that's why i started with the new skin. not the obsession with john mayer thingy, but hey. its gotta do something with the name continuum. i feel like i'm going through that seamless change it describes.

and yeah, that's where the light is. change.

still pretty undecided, discovering if this whole change in interests thing is really me growing up. i guess we'll see in time, but hey. i'm gonna be 18. time for some more mature things to come and childish things to go.

2009-02-09T15:58:00.002+08:00

unrecognized talent
by billy.

there he resides, amongst urban mess
an artistan musican, a jaded expressionist
a man full of feeling, emotion, fascination.
Powerful intuition.

Yet the forces of the world
the oppression of society and it's lawful demands
of what's right and wrong, taboo and commonplace
push the artistic fanatic down on his knees.

his eyes, two dying dwarf stars, dazzle and fade away
as the hands that hold the paintbrush
and the ears that transmute music to colours
are closed, crushed and closed.

he opens his maw and releases his last music song,
a cacaphony of chaos, pain, fustration and hate,
as the sword of expectation, responsibility, skeptism
plunges into his heart.

2009-02-09T01:09:00.001+08:00

was looking through my old list of songs, and i came across john mayer's Man on the side. and i was like hey! i can relate to it.

How i really really feel like taking HER out, but sometimes i just dont dare to. the kind of feeling when you talk to your crush and get maybe..a few inches away from closeness? but yeah..she doesnt know, and she goes back out there to her friends..

Gotta learn this song someday...

six numbers, one more to dial
before I'm before you
I tried to call
been busy all night
gave up waiting at daylight

excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me

ohhhhh...
I am the man on the side
hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
life as the man on the side

one of the many
one of the few
to stand back and wait for you

excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in when you can
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me, if you wanted me

ohhhh...
I am the man on the side
hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side
Life as the man on the side

I fell in love with the dream that I built of you
playing the part of the queen
taking my own advice
I'm giving up tonight
good luck to you and the king

excuse me Mrs. Busybody
could you pencil me in
though we both know that the worst part about it
is I would be free when you wanted me
if you wanted me, if you wanted me

ohhhhh....
I am the man on the side
hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
life as the man
you know life as the man
living life as the man on the side

2009-02-08T12:12:00.002+08:00

Hey. Been busy with symposium this week..

was called by red to do the whole photomontage of BZSE PCS. It wasnt really much of a nightmare-rather it was quite fun.

especially playing with ms hedi's passport photo. : P i hope she doesnt come hunt me down when i go back to the office on monday..

Lets see. Symposium day's events..

Woke up at 6 to get to school, drank two red bulls and a coffee to try to keep me awake..went in for usher briefing. Got paired with amanda sister, we were sent to the second entrance to give directions to dudes who were coming in. Well, there wern't much people around for us to give directions too..but at least we caught up with each other. I've not talked to her heart to heart for really long, and yeah! it feels to get updated on how we're going on in life and all. haha. amanda arhhhh....

after standing around for 1 1/2 hours, we headed back to the LT. Had a long session.....the only interesting parts of the symposium were the skit and the magic. oh man, i have to tell you the most hillarious incident i've ever come across since the quote about capital punishment:

The kids central host guy was asking this lady who was she before they went on with the magic trick..

Host: So ma'am, whats your name?
Woman : I'm -name-.
Host: hello -name-, nice to have you here with us! which organization are you from?
Woman: I'm from the simei care center.
host: oh..and where is that?
Woman: -Long pause- uhhhh....simei?

-roars of laughter from the audience-

ah, its one of those you have to be there kinda jokes.

anways, after the symposium we went out with Dr Red, Bryan, marcus, joshua the ah beng and joey to the market to have lunch..i had char quay teow and one ton mee, quite okay..exept that the one ton mee got no char siew. so sad ): Headed to the esplanade library after that to do some work..settled the GK thing with francine, did my stats and POA, sorted out my work plan for this week. I left the place at about 6+, headed to the fullerton to meet my mum. the freaky part starts here.

While i was walking there, i saw a couple of qi-gong practiconers under the esplanade bridge doing meditation. well, me myself being a ex-student of Qi gong/Tai Ji quan, i was quite interested in their style..until i realised from the posters around them that they were FALUN GONG.

OMG. i was kinda freaked out and tried to leave, but woah..here comes this woman talking about falun gong and how good it was and all..but well, knowing how the leader of the FLG claimed lots of weird stuff.. (He thinks he's God. He says with falun dafa he can fly, stop bullets and dont know what la. weird things.) Told mum about it, she got totally freaked out too!

oh well, we headed to makan spize at zion road and had a long chat about qigong and falun gong..after that, we headed to the shop..i stayed at pacific coffee to do somemore work..in the end, i got kinda distracted by msn (Janell >=) ) and youtube..but nonetheless, it was productive.

well now i'm at the esp library again, doing some work..but apparently i've been distracted by blogger : P better get cracking now..

2009-02-04T04:39:00.002+08:00

Hello!

New year was uneventful. Great to catch up with uncles & aunties though, it was quite a short visit.

Started the first day at Grandma's house, we stayed there for really long..hanged around, just chit-chatted and ate lots of stuff. CNY snacks, pumpkin cake..etc. Headed over to Wee Sian's new house after that (He lives in novena now, haha. looks like more and more people are living close to my family now..grandma lives around the corner, uncle bong loo lives right over at chancery lane!) Chatted with the family a bit, looked around and WOW he has an amazing aquarium man! He's got a squad of golden suckers (some new breed of fish), guppies..prawns, shrimp..snails, the lot.

I was talking to mum about it and i found that almost 7 years ago, we bought for wee sian's kids fish as presents! and they grew and grew and grew until there were ALOT, so he started an aquarium! nice to know that our presents grow after time..i almost cant believe that a single goldfish sparked off a family's interest in sea-creatures so intensely.

Oh well, the says goes..a butterfly flaps its wings here..but causes a tornado on the other side of the world. repurcussions..period!

Spent the end of the day at Ah Kim and Uncle Bong Lin's house..we talked damn long, from about 9pm-1am about alot of shit..ACS, Church..just alot of things man, i couldnt believe time flew by so fast!

Second day, we went over to my father's dad's hse..

had a long chat with him, havent seen him for long. He's grown older..but hey! he's still him, and my his english is still awesome. Talked to him about his past jobs..how it was like in the 1960s. he showed us some shit he used to do when he was young..all his old passports, documents and picturea and WOW i was impressed!

My grandad used to work in the docks..but he rose to be the captain of his own ship! a trader..and he travelled many places - london, indonesia, china..SEA. pretty cool to know that on one side, your grandfather's a captian trader, and on the other side your grandfather's singapore's coffee powder pioneer. : P

Spent the rest of our time at auntie's house..went home after that and i slept like a big fat pig.

well, school's been quite rushed. cant get myself to settle down and start working! been hanging out with my issues people..marcus auntie ju shine bernice..and others.

but yea. still cant get used to the rushness. and her! goooodness i tell you, i think that i've gotta stop being so lovesick..a few years ago, i really was conviced that bgr was a waste of time..and here i am in love with some chick?! these days i cant even sit down and study..or sleep well.

eeyer. stop billy stop. >_<

OKAY, its time to really settle down to do work..this blog post was actually done out of desperation :P i couldnt sleep or get myself to do work...waaaaaaah.

2009-01-26T00:35:00.002+08:00

Happy Niu year

2009-01-25T15:00:00.002+08:00

In pacific coffee vivo now, had an awesome lunch in far east plaza just now with mum and sis. Seriously, Nan ban tei's gotta be one of the most authentic jap restraunts i've been to. period.

Had a couple of grilled stuff..fried rice, but it was some meal man..gotta find time to get back there with friends and family!

Been looking over POA and stats just now, i've got loads to catch up with..gotta get started too man! and i so have to start packing my room.. Relatives coming over soon!

Had some rough nights this week, but its been ok..

Went back to see Dr Goh again, she's been giving me advice on how to tackle things out with my pals..

Was just reflecting back at GK and everything..i was just thinking, hey, what happened to all our values in the face of work? Just because of stuff like marks and issues, we turn on each other's friendships, blame each other and stuff like that?

well, i guess its back to the drawing boards with auntie boon agn.

I admit, its hard to get out of the past sometimes..we tend to cling on to habits and things we developed in past experiences. but well, one time or another it comes back to haunt us, and we just gotta let it go.

with some help maybe? (: sometimes you cant keep going in life on your own..

I miss that sense of simplicity i felt when we were back in ERH..

Knowing that there's no pressure to do anything, that you're taken care of, that you're far away from the cares of the world and lots of stuff..knowing that you can do what you like to do there, and no one'll hold things against you.

Even though you're from the other side of the poverty circle, or from a different country.

I guess, sometimes the things that we have to do is to bring back the values we gain from our daily life. That's what makes the difference right? (:

Maybe i dont find much people who care about relationships, who care about what's inside in the heart..but hey!

If we as one person start behaving contrary to the selfishness we see in daily life..isint that making a difference in the lives of others?

I used to remember how pastors used to tell us to smile and how it could make a diff in someone's life. maybe it's time to start taking what they said into consideration..going a step further (:

Maybe that's one step to solving conflicts between friendships and love..

2009-01-21T13:00:00.002+08:00

things aint going too well...

i feel like i'm sort of ending up nowhere here.

i quit archery in the interests of church..church didnt work out, so i left and pursued work..work didnt work out. friends dont work out..i'm getting mood swings at everyone..

so what the hell am i doing? ):

Had project presentation today..it was ok, but it was just inaccurate..mistakes..screwed up. I felt really emo after that..

It's not really about the project presentation, but about people.

1.) i really feel i let alot of people down in terms of work..
I feel bad because sometimes, as i see it, one person's doing all the work and stuff, and nothing's being done equally.

2.) About how our group works..yes, its objective..we sit down, we delegate seperate tasks to people who do the best in them..even though we are supposed to do it in a team. But at the end of the day, whatever happens peer evaluation is just all full marks..it feels unfair, and i think that we need to just figure out everything and not be lazy. not care.

3.) i'm not very happy with some people..

i just dont understand why it's other people's business to pry open why i hate or dislike other people.

i dont get why it's the person's business to get into my life, or our lives for that matter, and direct everything.

I'm sick of working with people i dont like, i'm uncomfy with like that..

I know i can do this..but i'm just lazy. others are lazy. circumstances dont work out..

sigh.

i really had enough..i'm tired, i need some rest. i'm dissatisfied..

why the fuck am i the only one alone in all this mess?

call me crazy or paranoid, but i just feel like i'm a unique fellow..

i'm ok with God but i dont go to church..i dont have any cca, i find myself denouncing the greatest passions i had a few years or months ago, and taking up new mantles..

I find myself drowning in games, in online stuff, in things i dont like just to relieve stress.

i'm just fed up of being paranoid of other people, or being labled emo and all that shit seriously, like what the fuck right?

I dont think it's anybody's business to pry open in my life and figure out why i hate someone or what i like someone.

i dont trust alot of people now, i feel angry at others now. If i had a chance, i would feel like re-starting everything.

Sometimes i just feel like screaming at God and asking him why i'm like this, or why im in this situation.

why did mum and dad split, why do i like HER? why can't i stop having mood swings or scaring others..

why do i have to be the way i am? why are others critising me? WHY ME and not anybody else?

I just dont understand..why must i conform to the ways of what others say? and still, even as i proclaim i dont, why do i?

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning
In your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where you found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sins as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before you now
As though I've never sinned but today
I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I start the day the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again
Your [T]ruth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away
From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me
Just how far the East is from the West
Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you've washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel
But by the truth your word reveals
I'm not holding on to you
But your holding on to me
Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far
The East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I've been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of your mercy I find rest
(The arms of your mercy I find rest)
Cause you know just how far the East is from the West
From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

From one scarred hand to the other

2009-01-20T12:39:00.003+08:00

20/1/9

in the library now..doing research project with group.

Today was an ok day..had poa in the morning.

Struggling to pay attention even though there was alot of stuff going on in my brain..

I'm glad to see j's ok thou. (:

dont really have much to say now..

2009-01-20T10:39:00.002+08:00

thought of this:

true friends, lovers and heroes don't expect anything in return.

we can't always expect the ones we love and protect to return the favours we bestow upon them. The real test of our character and righteousness, is if we can really bear the feeling of giving your best taking care of them, even though they dont know that you do.

It sucks..

but well, love your neighbours right?

i bet Jesus didnt think of the advantages and disadvantages of dying on the cross. he just did it and took it like a man because he loves all of us. (:

2009-01-19T16:04:00.002+08:00

just thoughts..

Sometimes i feel so angry at people, and myself..sometimes i feel like we should all treat others in a utilitarian way, just do the job with them and it's done..but today i really thought about relationships and everything..

a really really dear friend of mine was quite upset today..and i really felt for her in a way i really can't explain. call it love? or just empathy..but yeah. she was really upset..and for me, i just felt alot of her pain. I just felt like sharing her tears and crying too..i really just felt like sitting down, holding her hands and comforting her.

after that, i was really thinky the whole day..

i was thinking about relationships and all, and what it means to me..you know, even though now i dont go church and all..i feel so impacted..I feel God showed me who i really am supposed to be: a friend to those who are friendless..family to those who dont have family..love to those who dont have someone to be with.

Even though sometimes i question why no one's like that to me, or why i dont have a super sister, brother or parents..even though sometimes i really yearn so much to have a love who understands me and can be there for me when i'm down..and whom i can love and be there for too..

even though there's all that..i just feel called to be a friend or a simple guardian..

Sometimes people who are like, in the backstage..we look out for our friends and really save them alot of times, even though they dont notice it..

sometimes i question why i do favours for my friends, and really help them in life..

I feel so jealous sometimes at people and how they can be so close to others..

It makes me think sometimes, why i dont get that same closeness as they do..

Is is because i'm scary? i'm unfit? is it because i used to do all sorts of bad things?

But i know i'm here for a higher purpose..

To be a channel of God's love and hope to others..

Oh, how i just..really long to be with her..

how i really wish to be close to those girls and be their confidant..

how i really wish to be a team player and a brother to the guys..

but i guess things and people dont always return the feelings..that's life i guess.

I just really wanna hold your hands and tell you it's okay..

I want to be more than a brother to her..

I want to be more than a group mate to my team..

I want to be more than who i am...

People may not love me back..but i know its worth it..

as Jesus loved me..even though it was so long ago, He suffered for me..and took it like a strong man, so i could escape sin..

My God set the example of loving others unconditionally and being my best for them..even if i dont like them..

and i guess i follow in his footsteps.. (:

2009-01-19T15:28:00.001+08:00

hey..

):

so much burdens in my heart....

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.
Complicated circumstances
have clouded her view.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

I fear that I won’t have the words
that she needs to hear.
I pray for Your wisdom , oh God.
And a heart that's sincere.
And Lord I lift my friend up
to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
My best friend in the
world, I know she means much
more to You.
I want so much to help her, but
this is something she has to do.
Lord I lift my friend up to You.

There's a way that seems so right to her.
But You know where that leads.
He's becoming a puppet of the world.
Too blind to see the strings.
And Lord I lift my friend up to You.

Lord I lift my friend to You.
I've done all that I know to do.
I lift my friend, to You.

2009-01-18T00:14:00.002+08:00

earlier this week

had a fun class with emily. she was being SUPER LAME because her supervisor was grading her performance that day! anyway, we were doing stuff for the research poster and again the stuff came from mythbusters! lols. after class, i went off with amanda, bernice and janell to alumni to eat.

i know this is totally unrelated, but bernice is probrably one of the only friends who laughs hiccups. lols! they totally went raving mad about Jack Neo's new show about love..

But seriously, im thinking of checking the show out. its pretty awesome! and great timing too..Pastor Kong's having this seminar for singles and couples about love coming up soon in chc. gonna be pretty cool!

Other than that, had time with family..friends..getting over the FRICKIN research project, but all's been well (:

17/1/9

Today's pretty productive! Woke up at 9, did some stuff on the com, set of at 11 to lei garden at orchard! woohoo!

Had a really awesome lunch with dad and his friends, it was peck ming and another lady's b'day..so we had loads of stuff. Loads of food..fun..jokes. It's sad to hear the news that the mosque street yong tau fu and keong siak street laksa closed down..seriously, i think landlords are getting really greedy nowadays..

I guess it's hard times for all!

Headed to the library to meet up with bro and sis, did some work..finished lms stuff and blog, and editing the final report for statistcs..quite boring, bro was doing his thesis and sis was doing signs for the shop.

Had a HORRIBLE time waiting for her to print stuff in bras basah..

oh well..PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE..right bernice? ;)

Went out with sis to eat at sushi tei, and believe it or not after that we met up with ben, walked ALL THE WAY to the singapore flyer and ate AGAIN at popyes. god! we walked around milennia walk and went over to suntec for a while.

Milennia walk's pretty cool! we stopped by a choclate concept store called the Choclate Research Center. Seriously, they have WEIRD and AWESOME flavours there..cheese choclate and alcoholic caught my eye.

I think i'm going to bring her there next time, she'll love it.. haha! well, gotta wait till the end of sem. Hang in there girl!

Ended the day at spinelli's..had a coffee and went home after that!

18/1/9
So here i am..wathing mighty ducks and talking to Janell and her..prolly gonna sleep soon!

Quote of the week:

We should interview ex-convicts before and AFTER capital punishment!
-Julinda mei chan

2009-01-15T15:37:00.002+08:00

hey,

had interesting day, it's been a long time since i've heard from God. Had a rough night yesterday, coundnt sleep was ranting to bryan about the load of shit. woke up today feeling strangely ok! i didnt have the usual shit this day sucks feeling..it was fine.

Was in the car thinking about everything..and i realised like hey. i dont have to conform to what other people say right? (: yeah..if i like her, i do. and i realised after yesterday with bryan that i guess my feelings are natural..

it feels weird knowing that others think you like someone, but to you its natural to behave that way to her. i guess its natural!

gotta jet for project..ciao..

2009-01-14T17:13:00.002+08:00

hey,

week's been ok, everything delivered great. One thing i'm not too happy about though

I think i'm displaying symptoms of returning to the old self. damnit...
i dont understand man..am i transiting, schizo or what?!
ok, here i am on one hand

Decent
Loves his friends
Jokes around
Has dreams
Idealistic
honest
'reasonable'

but on the other hand

voliatile
angry
thinking that everyone wants to pick a fucking fight with me
making fun and seeing others as inferior
laughing at other's misfortunes
pushing blame
gossiping
getting the 'most' out of people by lifting my workload onto them.

the worst of all, i think, is that i'm getting really paraniod. i feel i cant trust alot of idiots. i turned my back on the people i used to spiritually tend to. I abandondened my philantrophic cause. and the girl i have a crush on, i have no idea if i like her, or i hate her.

I used to feel like God placed me in bzse to change the world.

but today, i dont know why, but i feel like i was involved in some fucked up accident that ruined my life.

jesus. i had dreams of being in FMS. desinging for a cause, working hard in the things i like to do. but like my brother, some asshole, or organization comes along, and for the reason that we do not conform to society, screw up the dreams we had for our future.

the only thing that makes me feel different, is seeing that certian people around me do care about what i feel.

even though i know i bore and scare the hell out of them, they dont see me differently.

if you ask me honestly, i'm afraid of going back to what i used to do.

I wouldnt want to be in a class which i hate everybody, and i hate myself as well.
i dont want to go back to having amusement by causing chaos.

If you ask me, i used to love laughing at the demise and failure of other's relationships, and enjoying the feeling of stepping on them and emerging as a top winner in the world, because i've got the money, the power, the connection, and they dont.

For me..im like in a mid point. I'm struggling with two selves...

and what should i do now?

damn. I'm caught between two sides. I NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE.

no one knows what im fucking going through now.

2009-01-08T00:22:00.001+08:00

7 Jan

shit, unproductive day
woke up at 12, didnt work out that much. just did 100 jumping jacks and strength training.
didnt even touch my essay, but finished the video ):

work billy work!

2009-01-07T13:49:00.000+08:00

I'm just the pieces of the man I used to be
Too many bitter tears are raining down on me
I'm far away from home
And I've been facing this alone
For much too long

I feel like no-one ever told the truth to me
About growing up and what a struggle it would be
In my tangled state of mind
I've been looking back to find
Where I went wrong

Too much love will kill you
If you can't make up your mind
Torn between the lover
And the love you leave behind
You're headed for disaster
'cos you never read the signs
Too much love will kill you
Every time

I'm just the shadow of the man I used to be
And it seems like there's no way out of this for me
I used to bring you sunshine
Now all I ever do is bring you down
How would it be if you were standing in my shoes
Can't you see that it's impossible to choose
No there's no making sense of it
Every way I go I'm bound to lose

Too much love will kill you
Just as sure as none at all
It'll drain the power that's in you
Make you plead and scream and crawl
And the pain will make you crazy
You're the victim of your crime
Too much love will kill you
Every time

Too much love will kill you
It'll make your life a lie
Yes, too much love will kill you
And you won't understand why
You'd give your life, you'd sell your soul
But here it comes again
Too much love will kill you
In the end..

2009-01-07T00:05:00.000+08:00

6/7 Jan

been in school, it wasnt too good..wasnt really in the right sense of mind today ): Met with that dear girl this morning, went to look for my project people..had a fruitless discussion session today in blk 56. wasnt too good.

Yeah..took a bus back with Jon and Shaun, had a dinner of ruffles and vitasoy..god, i need to stop taking all of this nonsense and start working out harder!

Struggling to come together and do the essay, but i keep getting distracted by other things! goodness..But i'm glad im not alone! (Janell, Janell ;)

Anyway, i guess i better start working even more now. I'm getting tired, and i've gotta work out tomorrow morning. 80 KG jiayou!!

work out/swim
breakfast
library @ bugis
novena steamboat with tock & co

7pm end of day!

2009-01-06T01:45:00.000+08:00

Hi, fresh new start (=

5th January 09

had a few beers this morning. met bryan's group to film their lms project at sinyee's house at about eleven, it was pretty okay..consider it life's form of retribution for absent-mindely deleting their videos because we were leaving : P

LOADS of hillarious outakes though, im so going to rip them from bryan's hard drive and post them up on youtube. oh, the photos too..gotta get those up as well!

other than today, it's been a really long weekend. gotta chiong for the social psychology essay, and written comm work that i have on my hands. yup. oh, been hanging out ALOT with this gal recently..she's just amazing man. cant imagine how my life's gonna go with her in my life. wish i'd had the guts to tell her i wanna go out with her!