Wednesday, April 22, 2009 .
2:04 PM

alot of thoughts coming up..

maybe these are just random feelings or something subconcious happened, but i just need to type this out for myself to see.

i feel very tired and exhausted

not just physically but socially, spiritually

i'm tired of putting up a sort of show or act..

like i was tired of ministry..tired of getting up so many things

i regret doing alot of things in life.

i feel distanced away from friends, family

i feel exhausted. tired. don't want to continue this big race anymore.

i worship and i praise and i feel God's blessing and presence but why i dont feel refreshed...





I'm going to be harshly honest here..

i hate being alone..i hate walking this path on my own..

neither my parents or my friends can help me..nor even see what i'm going through

I'd love to have a family member or at least a understanding friend to listen

but its like every time i find the right person..i commit to easily and i realise at the end its just a false hope in a friendly face.

I dont know what to do to spend more time with my parents.

I dont know what to do to improve training. To improve design.

I dont know what to do spiritually.

I used to go around turns and corners..and walk this great path

and everywhere God would speak to me about people..about love

and now every corner i turn, i ask myself what happened

like 7 months ago you were a on fire son, you served in the House of The Lord,

you loved His people and gave everything

and then it just crumbled into dust when i expected to ride the wave higher..





I remember that one of my most admired leader and friend told me a long time ago..

Faith is a choice..you can't just have faith suddenly or ask your friend to give you faith like money..it's a choice.


its just so hard to have faith...

it's just so hard to choose.










I know God is speaking to me.

Just now i was impacted. I was overwhelmed by the thoughts, feelings, distractions..lonliness, i felt like giving up

honestly like walking straight into the street and ending my life there.

but a bus passed by and written on it was:

"Come all who are weary, and I will give you rest." - matthew


I felt like God just showed me something straight from heaven.





but i dont know. it's so hard to choose to have faith..



and i don't have anyone that can spur me on..


i regret alot of things..alot of stupid things..


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