Wednesday, February 11, 2009 .
5:10 PM

i'm having one of those emotional spells again.

sometimes i wonder why i can't be recognized, or people would just pay a little bit of attention or take me seriously.


maybe it's because i dont take the bloody initative to make sure they pay attention?

maybe because i'm naturally a fucked-up prick.

im not a very outgoing guy, i dont talk to people.

sure, i dont expect everyone to be friends with me and all, but at least others could give me some understanding and space right?

it's not like i'm talking like some born-of-insecurity freaks of nature...








and the whole thing about jealousy.

it just sucks to see people you love get whisked away by some other guy, just because he's more charming, relates better, less weird.


maybe i havent found the right girl to love yet. i dont know, i'm sort of in this state of whirling, self-destroying sadness.


i've had enough of trying to hard to impress other people.

I'm being myself yeah. but some people just dont want me to be myself.

so what, my own personality gets on other's nerves? i dont understand what's wrong.

so i have to be fake to make others smile?






just a mixture of unhappy feelings right now.

just sucks to know that you're trying to convince yourself that you hate a person or something, just to run away from it and hide the feeling that deep down inside, you're scared.





like:

My honest self: I do like her alot. maybe she's the one for me.

My lying self: look at her. she's childish, doesnt even know half the things you know, talentless, full of bad assumptions.

My honest self: Hey, but loving others is about accepting their flaws right?

L.S : do you honestly think that she'll like someone as fucked up as you?

H.S : just maybe she will. i gotta try.

L.S : look at your fucked up family. you think she and you will click? she's so close to everyone else.

-i just give up at this point, and understand that i hate her.-


but back again next morning, i think about her and smile.








I'm having these horrible battles every day, and i dont know what to do to win the war. i dont even know why i'm fighting this shit with myself.


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