Wednesday, January 14, 2009 .
5:13 PM

hey,

week's been ok, everything delivered great. One thing i'm not too happy about though


I think i'm displaying symptoms of returning to the old self. damnit...
i dont understand man..am i transiting, schizo or what?!
ok, here i am on one hand

Decent
Loves his friends
Jokes around
Has dreams
Idealistic
honest
'reasonable'


but on the other hand


voliatile
angry
thinking that everyone wants to pick a fucking fight with me
making fun and seeing others as inferior
laughing at other's misfortunes
pushing blame
gossiping
getting the 'most' out of people by lifting my workload onto them.


the worst of all, i think, is that i'm getting really paraniod. i feel i cant trust alot of idiots. i turned my back on the people i used to spiritually tend to. I abandondened my philantrophic cause. and the girl i have a crush on, i have no idea if i like her, or i hate her.



I used to feel like God placed me in bzse to change the world.

but today, i dont know why, but i feel like i was involved in some fucked up accident that ruined my life.



jesus. i had dreams of being in FMS. desinging for a cause, working hard in the things i like to do. but like my brother, some asshole, or organization comes along, and for the reason that we do not conform to society, screw up the dreams we had for our future.





the only thing that makes me feel different, is seeing that certian people around me do care about what i feel.

even though i know i bore and scare the hell out of them, they dont see me differently.





if you ask me honestly, i'm afraid of going back to what i used to do.

I wouldnt want to be in a class which i hate everybody, and i hate myself as well.
i dont want to go back to having amusement by causing chaos.

If you ask me, i used to love laughing at the demise and failure of other's relationships, and enjoying the feeling of stepping on them and emerging as a top winner in the world, because i've got the money, the power, the connection, and they dont.

For me..im like in a mid point. I'm struggling with two selves...

and what should i do now?





damn. I'm caught between two sides. I NEED TO MAKE A CHOICE.



no one knows what im fucking going through now.


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